Hair of the dog: phrases to convince yourself to keep drinking like an idiot

NOT sure whether you need another drink or not? Utter one of these phrases and your doubt will instantly be washed away by another pint of lager.

Hair of the dog

This is an old English phrase that suggests a wound can be healed by placing on it a burnt hair of the rabid dog that bit you. It also works for booze because drinking more on top of a hangover will make you feel dreadful initially, but eventually you’ll be so pissed again that you’ll stop noticing.

One for the road

Uttering this phrase suggests you’re going to be leaving imminently, but, in reality, you’re actually settling in for at least another 45 minutes while you consume your drink. And when that one’s done, you’ll have another one for the road, and keep doing so up to the point you get kicked out and have to walk home absolutely shitfaced.

A toast to literally anyone

Raising a glass to a loved one or happy couple is a lovely gesture, unless you’re just using it as an excuse to prolong a lengthy boozing session. If the charging of glasses gets to the stage where you’re honouring Mr Brindle, your secondary school woodwork teacher, or Karl and Susan from Neighbours, it’s time to lower your glass and go home.

Waste not, want not

Don’t let being full to the brim with Stella put you off if there’s unwanted alcohol around. Simply utter the phrase ‘Waste not, want not’ and you have given yourself permission to disgustingly minesweep the remaining drinks on the table or bar. You’ll probably catch something and it will serve you right.

Whose round is it?

At this point, it doesn’t matter. You’re so pissed and full of bonhomie that you don’t care if it’s your round every time, you’ll happily whip out your card to buy the whole pub a drink. Your partner, on the other hand, will be furious when it pops up on the joint account app that you’ve just spent £157 in the Duke of York. Whoops.

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10 things you say that you absolutely do not f**king mean

LIES are the glue that holds society together, and sometimes you’re forced to be not 100 per cent totally sincere. Like every time you use these phrases.

Let me know if you need anything

You say this to a sick friend or a relative going through a tough time but what you really mean is ‘Do not contact me until your period of misery is over’. Or ‘I guess I could get you a magazine but I’m not doing your f**king shopping’.  

You look beautiful 

To the bride at every wedding ever, even when they look like the marshmallow man out of Ghostbusters.

Hope you are well

Whether emailing a colleague or your letting agent, this is your go-to opening sentence. The fact that it’s these unloved twats shows you don’t actually care if they’ve got bubonic plague.

I’m fine, everything’s fine 

Everything is shit but you’d rather die than admit it to anyone. Admittedly bottling up resentment is how mass shooters start out, but you’ll cross that bridge when you come to it.  

Do you need help with the washing up? 

The last thing you want to do is help clear up at a dinner party but it’s kind to offer. If they answer ‘yes’ they are dead to you.    

No worries if not

What you mean is: ‘If you can’t do this thing I have asked for I will be absolutely devastated.’ 

Let meet for coffee!  

Never going to happen. But let’s do the decent thing and pretend that it is. You didn’t specify when. 2052? They might be dead by then. Hopefully. 

It’s so nice to see you 

When you bump into someone in the supermarket and it ruins your plan to pop in for a sandwich and get out of there, it is definitely not nice to see them. 

How are you? 

The correct response to this is unequivocally ‘Fine, how are you?’. You don’t actually want to know if someone is anything other than ‘fine’. Your time is precious and you don’t need them bothering you with some pissy little problem like getting divorced.  

I can’t make 7pm but I’ll try and meet you there later

You have no intention of trying anything other than putting your pyjamas on and watching Netflix later.