Closing kitchen cupboards noisily: Totally pathetic ways to show your partner you're in a huff

PISSED off with your other half? Trying to display that annoyance in the lamest way possible? Here are five surefire ways to make your feelings known.

Going to bed at 8pm

After an evening of ‘What’s wrong?’, ‘Nothing’s wrong’ and ‘You seem quiet’, teach them a lesson by going to bed ludicrously early. 8pm is good. While you think this sends a message, your partner will just use the opportunity to watch several episodes of Ozark and drink any booze in the fridge. Meanwhile, you toss and turn in bed, unable to sleep for the next four hours.

Closing kitchen cupboards noisily

When arguing, the kitchen is a major battlefield. From standing in front of the knife and fork drawer on purpose to refusing to engage in the daily ‘What are we having for dinner?’ chat, shit gets real there. But the clearest way to send a message is to slam kitchen cupboards.

Turn your kitchen into one big percussion instrument – the dishwasher is good for clattering around annoyingly too. The key thing is to let your partner know you’re displeased without actually saying so. Although they might just think you’re being a clumsy bastard as usual.

Not filling up their car

If you borrow their car and spot the petrol gauge reaching absolute zero, don’t fill it up. Simply coast back home on fumes. They’ll then have the minor inconvenience of filling up the car instead and fuel is expensive these days so they’ll be out of pocket. Oh, hang on, you use a joint account and they’ll probably buy a Lucozade and a Snickers from the garage too. Bollocks. You did not think this one through.

Passive-aggressive tidying

Nothing resolves relationship problems better than some random resentful cleaning. Get Marigolded up and start bleaching the bathroom floor on your knees. If using a mop, huff or sigh loudly every time you move it. Sure, none of your issues will have been dealt with, but your home will be f**king spotless.

Making a selfish cuppa

In Britain, consuming tea ranks just below Sunday roasts and Queen Elizabeth II in order of importance. So if you want to hurt your partner without using words like ‘cow’, ‘wanker’, ‘stupid’, ‘feckless’ and ‘waste of DNA’, the best way is to leave them out when making a brew.

When you enter the room with a solo cup of tea, sit down and slurp away, the high will be like trying heroin for the first time. Your partner will be visibly crushed and wracked with remorse. Don’t do yourself a little plate of biscuits too though. That’s going too far. You might as well ask for a divorce on the spot.

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Why peace in Northern Ireland is a bad thing, by Liz Truss

THE Northern Ireland Protocol has helped protect decades of peace in the province. Let me, Liz Truss, explain why that is a bad thing.

It’s slowing down trade

Before the Protocol was brutally implemented by the EU, goods were able to flow freely between Britain and Northern Ireland without checks. I’m not sure how, but they did. Let’s scrap this silly bureaucratic protocol and if a few things get blown up, so be it.

It’s EU red tape

Britain just wants to Northern Ireland to share the many benefits of leaving the European Union, so naturally our unelected enemies in Brussels are trying to scare us into rejoining. I say let’s rip up the protocol – and the daft Good Friday Agreement, no idea what that does – and figure out the details later. Belfast could become the Kent of Northern Ireland.

Borders work better on land

The sea is a terrible place for a border. It’s all wet and uneven and full of fish which makes it difficult to build a big wall with barbed wire on top. By moving the border back onto Irish soil we can support Britain’s rampart industry, generating millions of pounds in the process. Anyone who disagrees is a traitor who’ll be exiled outside Northern Ireland’s impressive new border wall.

Conflict is good for the economy

The UK is on the brink of recession, so what better way to turn our financial fortunes around than a needless conflict? We can send the troops back in to keep the peace with new guns and armoured Land Rovers – great news for British manufacturers! And all those soon-to-be-fired civil servants can get jobs as border control guards. Everybody wins. Except maybe Northern Ireland.

Taking back control, levelling up, Brexit means Brexit, etc.

I don’t have to explain my actions to the likes of you anyway. Can’t you just be content with a string of meaningless buzzwords trotted out every few days? You voted for this shitshow, so let’s take back control in a sunlit Brexit with world-beating unicorns.