PISSED off with your other half? Trying to display that annoyance in the lamest way possible? Here are five surefire ways to make your feelings known.
Going to bed at 8pm
After an evening of ‘What’s wrong?’, ‘Nothing’s wrong’ and ‘You seem quiet’, teach them a lesson by going to bed ludicrously early. 8pm is good. While you think this sends a message, your partner will just use the opportunity to watch several episodes of Ozark and drink any booze in the fridge. Meanwhile, you toss and turn in bed, unable to sleep for the next four hours.
Closing kitchen cupboards noisily
When arguing, the kitchen is a major battlefield. From standing in front of the knife and fork drawer on purpose to refusing to engage in the daily ‘What are we having for dinner?’ chat, shit gets real there. But the clearest way to send a message is to slam kitchen cupboards.
Turn your kitchen into one big percussion instrument – the dishwasher is good for clattering around annoyingly too. The key thing is to let your partner know you’re displeased without actually saying so. Although they might just think you’re being a clumsy bastard as usual.
Not filling up their car
If you borrow their car and spot the petrol gauge reaching absolute zero, don’t fill it up. Simply coast back home on fumes. They’ll then have the minor inconvenience of filling up the car instead and fuel is expensive these days so they’ll be out of pocket. Oh, hang on, you use a joint account and they’ll probably buy a Lucozade and a Snickers from the garage too. Bollocks. You did not think this one through.
Nothing resolves relationship problems better than some random resentful cleaning. Get Marigolded up and start bleaching the bathroom floor on your knees. If using a mop, huff or sigh loudly every time you move it. Sure, none of your issues will have been dealt with, but your home will be f**king spotless.
Making a selfish cuppa
In Britain, consuming tea ranks just below Sunday roasts and Queen Elizabeth II in order of importance. So if you want to hurt your partner without using words like ‘cow’, ‘wanker’, ‘stupid’, ‘feckless’ and ‘waste of DNA’, the best way is to leave them out when making a brew.
When you enter the room with a solo cup of tea, sit down and slurp away, the high will be like trying heroin for the first time. Your partner will be visibly crushed and wracked with remorse. Don’t do yourself a little plate of biscuits too though. That’s going too far. You might as well ask for a divorce on the spot.