Head hurt

HEAD hurt, head throb, skull f**king splitting in two being hacked at with rusty axe, nation confirms.

Had fun? Can’t remember fun. Only pain. Jelly in synapses. Concrete in sinuses. Great big angry rat twatting about the cranium.

Pulsating mass of pain Donna Sheridan said: “Why. Why God why. Headless horseman? Lucky bastard.

“Fuzzy mouth. Teeth crust. Decomposing into pillow. Duvet prosecco shivery moist stink. Pringle crumbs in sheets. Bathroom floor husband.

“Little sicky burps. Spit acid like alien from Alien. Who left Gaviscon bottle empty? My kingdom for a bastard Rennie.

“Domino’s Man, sweet lovely hero gorgeous. Save us please. Bring the sweaty cardboard of life. Help me Obi-Wan you’re my only hope.

“Never again. Never again. Never, ever again. Dry January? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

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Get better looking than your ex, and other great spiteful resolutions

SCREW self-improvement and growth. New Year’s resolutions are best made with bitterness and malice. Like these:

Get better looking than your ex

Everyone makes a resolution to lose weight or join a gym, but nobody actually does it. The way to inspire yourself is to remember the ex who screwed you over and think about them strolling around hotter than you. The frothing resentment will see you hitting the treadmill all the way through to 2024.

Cut down on drinking so you can lord it over people at parties

Drinking doesn’t feel as good as it used to, so why not instead indulge yourself in the buzz that comes from smugly declining a drink? When offered a beer, reply ‘No, thanks, but don’t let me stop you if that’s what gets you through’. You’ll feel so much better about yourself when forcing your friends and family to confront their problematic relationships with alcohol.

Achieve greater success than your colleagues

There are few things in life that cut as deeply as the accomplishments of other people. Sure, achieving a personal career goal is a satisfying experience, but the most important thing is preventing others from surpassing you. So this year, instead of pledging to excel to new heights professionally, simply resolve to do moderately better than those around you.

Travel more to outdo your annoying mate

Everyone’s friendship group has that one twat who’s constantly bragging about their holidays and saying things like ‘You haven’t really experienced calzoni until you’ve eaten one in Naples’. Tackle this by resolving to travel more in 2023. Not to expand your horizons but to put that prick in their place by outdoing their anecdotes.

Quit smoking to outlive your enemies

It would be nice to live to a ripe old age, but not so nice that it’s worth giving up smoking. A better motivation to quit the habit is imagining all the bastards who’ve wronged you living on happily after you’re dead and buried. Get the fags in the bin and use the sheer strength of your bitterness to outlive them all.