How are you pretending not to be pissed at work?

YOU popped into the pub at lunchtime ‘for one’ and now you’re feeling surprisingly shitfaced. So how can you conceal it from your colleagues? Read our guide.

Dick about on the internet

Non-work internet surfing is probably frowned upon, but you’re a million times safer doing that than communicating with clients. Just don’t forget where you are in your stupor and send your boss a ‘hilarious’ clip of a monkey trying to shag a zebra.

Tidy up the stationery cupboard

The perfect place to hide until you sober up. You could even have a little lie down. Place some Post-its by your hand so you can claim you were “just picking them up” if someone comes in.

For fuck’s sake don’t answer the phone

But how? Simple. Suddenly realise the phone you breathe all over every day is probably more hygienically hazardous than a medical waste facility. Point this out to colleagues and unplug it from the wall until facilities management come to clean it.

Offer to give a urine sample

If anyone says they think you’ve been drinking, get a mug from the kitchen and offer to piss in it. They will immediately leave you alone.

Pretend to be ill

If you drank enough to feel queasy, vomit in your bin and claim it’s food poisoning. You’ll be sent home immediately, maybe even with some nice sympathy. Just don’t do it every Friday or people might get suspicious.

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Kids vote shoe shopping best time to be proper little bastards

SHOPPING for shoes is the best time to be a complete and utter dick, children have decided.

Despite stiff competition from car journeys and trips to the supermarket, the UK’s small children believe shoe shops provide the most satisfying ‘kicking off’ experience.

Mum-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I don’t know if it’s something in the chemicals they use to treat leather but as soon as we step into a shoe shop my kids turn on me.

‘My six-year-old threw a size 9 Start-Rite at my head just because I asked the shop assistant about growing room. Then my four-year-old disappeared somewhere with a pair of crocs and I’m pretty sure he ate an odour eater.  

“Not to mention the fact that we always go back three times because shoes that fit perfectly in the fucking shop suddenly feel ‘too tight’ once we get home.”

Child Martin Bishop said: “At the shoe shop I demanded totally unsuitable shoes then screamed until the shop assistant became genuinely worried.

“It was sublime.”