How to be an absolute bellend on 'Super Saturday'

IT’S not long until scenes of drunken carnage begin to unfold on 4 July. But are you properly prepared to be an obnoxious, antisocial dick on ‘Super Saturday’?

Practise your ‘getting to the bar’ strategy

Rehearse charging toward the bar by sprinting up and down your living room. Get family members or housemates to stand in the way to hone your skills at barging past people while shouting “SORRY MATE!” in an obviously insincere way. 

Go where everybody else is going

This means a large, tacky ‘drinking factory’ pub where ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ is still considered a fresh and cutting-edge song. Be surprised when it’s busy.

Get your picture on Mail Online

Tabloid photographers will already be booked into their hotels in places like Sunderland and Romford, like patient cheetahs awaiting their prey. Make sure you end up in one of the following classic photos:

● Tearful woman sitting on kerb being consoled by friend

● Couple who are practically having sex in the middle of the street outside Nando’s

● Man having nice little nap in his own piss

Behave like an absolute lunatic

Do things you would never do on a normal night out, such as: running around screaming with excitement, jumping in a river or simply buying £20 of sandwiches in Tesco. If you find you’ve somehow climbed a 200-foot crane and are now stuck, you’ve made the most of Super Saturday. 

Have the opposite of a good time

Within two hours get so wasted you can’t talk or have a laugh, let alone pull. Other fun options include: nasty drunken arguments with friends, breaking a tooth/wrist/foot, and shamefully getting arrested for obliviously urinating on a statue of Florence Nightingale.

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Twat gets intense satisfaction from having wrong opinion about everything

A MAN gets a tiresome thrill from never expressing a single reasonable opinion about anything, people have noticed.

Stephen Malley loves nothing more than to set out his misinformed opinions about everything from the Israeli-Palestine conflict to 1970s children’s bikes as a weird provocation to his friends.

Friend Martin Bishop said: “He has this joyful smile whenever he expresses one of his completely stupid opinions. Yesterday it was communism, about which he knows f**k all.

“I can’t deny Steve’s got a wide range of interests. Why Woody Allen’s latest films are better than the early ones. How Pete is an idiot for buying a Hyundai. Why gravity is ‘wrong’.

“What his opinions do have in common is that they are all based on total ignorance. I used to think he was trolling me, but no, he really is a vastly overconfident dipshit.”

Malley said: “I very much enjoy discussing different subjects and contributing with an opinion that I just came up with on the fly.

“I’ll be chatting to friends later so I think I’ll kick off with why the Beatles were shit, then work my way though a variety of hot topics before explaining why we should invade Hong Kong.”