Sunday, 9th August 2020

How to win at office politics from home

ARE you locked in a video call power struggle with your colleagues? Here’s how to navigate the nest of vipers you work with from the comfort of your own home.

Criticise your colleagues’ home decor

Start destroying your co-workers’ self-confidence by making sly digs about their patterned feature wall and uninspiring bookshelf. Try something like “Anyone who’s still reading The Girl On The Train in 2020 is clearly a bit of a plodder” and go from there.

Choose an intimidating Zoom background

Perception is key to getting ahead in a cut-throat office environment. Make a strong impression with a Zoom background like Tony Montana’s coke-heaped office in Scarface and avoid something nerdy like the Emperor’s throne room from Return of the Jedi.

Bitch when your mic’s still on ‘accidentally’

“Lucy’s presentation was a shoddy piece of rubbish, wasn’t it? The sooner we let her go the better. Oh, can you still hear me, Lucy? Oh God, how embarrassing. Would you like me to email over your P45 once you’ve finished drying your tears?”

Post cakes to your boss

Providing edible treats is as important as smashing your KPIs in the third quarter when it comes to securing a promotion. Show the pathetic lengths you’re willing to go to by posting cakes to your boss then casually mentioning it in the next video call so everyone knows who’s the top dog/creepy crawler.

Sabotage the business

If you’re falling behind in the power dynamic simply mess up big time and bankrupt your already struggling business. Soon you’ll be competing with your ex-colleagues for one of the precious few remaining jobs, but you can use the same devious tricks in a group video interview.