Sunday, 9th August 2020

Test and trace demanded for those still infected with Brexit enthusiasm

SCIENTISTS have called for tests to locate those who still think Brexit is going to be great, so that they can be isolated from the rest of society.

Mindless enthusiasm for Brexit is not falling as quickly as it should and is taking a heavy toll on communities, particularly among the elderly and red-faced men with high blood pressure.

Chief scientist Tom Logan said: “People need to check themselves for symptoms. Do you run a high temperature whenever someone so much as mentions the existence of Belgium?

“Do you experience a tightening of the chest when you watch Question Time and someone in the audience or on the panel expresses an opinion slightly less deranged than that of Mark Francois?

“If so, you must self-isolate. This is to avoid contaminating others, but also to stop people having to listen to your tired old slogans from 2016, for example, ‘They need us more than we need them’.

“You’ll be required to isolate for 14 days initially, and if necessary for months afterwards until someone finds a vaccine against fabricated stories in the Express.”

He added: “Young people must not assume they are immune. None of your mates may have caught it yet, but you’ll look like a weirdo if you’re 18 and saying ‘We survived the war’.”