Test and trace demanded for those still infected with Brexit enthusiasm

SCIENTISTS have called for tests to locate those who still think Brexit is going to be great, so that they can be isolated from the rest of society.

Mindless enthusiasm for Brexit is not falling as quickly as it should and is taking a heavy toll on communities, particularly among the elderly and red-faced men with high blood pressure.

Chief scientist Tom Logan said: “People need to check themselves for symptoms. Do you run a high temperature whenever someone so much as mentions the existence of Belgium?

“Do you experience a tightening of the chest when you watch Question Time and someone in the audience or on the panel expresses an opinion slightly less deranged than that of Mark Francois?

“If so, you must self-isolate. This is to avoid contaminating others, but also to stop people having to listen to your tired old slogans from 2016, for example, ‘They need us more than we need them’.

“You’ll be required to isolate for 14 days initially, and if necessary for months afterwards until someone finds a vaccine against fabricated stories in the Express.”

He added: “Young people must not assume they are immune. None of your mates may have caught it yet, but you’ll look like a weirdo if you’re 18 and saying ‘We survived the war’.”

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Your guide to becoming a billionaire by doing f**k all, by Kim Kardashian

WHAT’S the secret to becoming obscenely rich, apart from being born already rich and knowing lots of other rich people? Here are my tips.

Do a sex tape

Making a highly personal sex tape that gets ‘accidentally’ released is a great way to get yourself into the public consciousness, because everyone is essentially a massive pervert. It helps if you can tape yourself having sex somewhere fancy, like a luxury resort, rather than by the bins round the back of Lidl.

Have a loopy family

Most people have loopy families, but to be like me yours needs to be both totally batshit and so desperate to be on the television that they will literally punch you in the face. Do loads of inane spin-offs about going on holiday, but remember that Miami is way more glamorous than Bournemouth.

Get a twattish husband

If you want to get so well-known throughout the world that your bum is famous independently of the rest of your body, it helps to have a husband who is so far up his own arse that it’s surprising his isn’t massive too. 

Give your children silly names

This trick has been popular with celebrities for many years because, really, what are children other than extensions of the brand? No one thought we’d actually saddle our child with the ridiculous name North West, but we did.

Exist in a time of hideously superficial celebrity culture

I wouldn’t be rich and famous for doing f**k all if people weren’t so excited about strangers on the internet having massive arses, so the joke is on all of you.