Sunday, 9th August 2020

Leicester wants lockdown rules translated into indecipherable slang

LEICESTER has demanded that the confusing local lockdown rules should be translated into its impenetrable dialect.

The city has asked the government to slur its speech and use phrases such as ‘ay up me duck’ and ‘yowve got a right cob on’ in an attempt to understand the baffling new lockdown restrictions.

Leicester resident and self-described ‘chisit’ Wayne Hayes said: “I could tell they were talking about us on the news because I could see the Walkers factory, but I didn’t have a clue what they were saying.

“The newsreader kept leaving these weird spaces in between words, many of which were pronounced in full. It’s hard to believe people can actually get by talking like that.

“Is the new lockdown going to affect supplies of bacon cobs, chuds and laggy bands? I’m frit the council pop supplies will go off.

“Sorry to be so mardy, but something that important should really be spelt out in plain English like we use here in Leicester.”

A government spokesperson said: “This explains the incoherent phone call we got from Leicester City Council. If they replace ‘stay alert’ with ‘gerrowt of it or I’ll lamp ya’ they should be fine.”