Leicester wants lockdown rules translated into indecipherable slang

LEICESTER has demanded that the confusing local lockdown rules should be translated into its impenetrable dialect.

The city has asked the government to slur its speech and use phrases such as ‘ay up me duck’ and ‘yowve got a right cob on’ in an attempt to understand the baffling new lockdown restrictions.

Leicester resident and self-described ‘chisit’ Wayne Hayes said: “I could tell they were talking about us on the news because I could see the Walkers factory, but I didn’t have a clue what they were saying.

“The newsreader kept leaving these weird spaces in between words, many of which were pronounced in full. It’s hard to believe people can actually get by talking like that.

“Is the new lockdown going to affect supplies of bacon cobs, chuds and laggy bands? I’m frit the council pop supplies will go off.

“Sorry to be so mardy, but something that important should really be spelt out in plain English like we use here in Leicester.”

A government spokesperson said: “This explains the incoherent phone call we got from Leicester City Council. If they replace ‘stay alert’ with ‘gerrowt of it or I’ll lamp ya’ they should be fine.”

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Let's nuke Leicester to be sure, Cummings suggests

DOMINIC Cummings has suggested detonating a nuclear device in Leicester city centre to surgically remove coronavirus from the Midlands. 

Hunched over a table in the Downing Street war room, surrounded by the heads of the Armed Forces, Cummings stabbed at Leicester on an illuminated map and asked how many megatons would be necessary to ‘wipe the virus out’.

He continued: “Yes, it’s a drastic step. But we cannot rule out the unthinkable if we are to save Britain. It’s what they did in the first Avengers film.

“The exits to the city are here, here, here and here. On all sides in fact. There’s no way we can contain them if they all make a run for it. I’m afraid it’s the only way.

“Damnit, General, you think I want to do this? To kill half a million people in a single instant? My conscience will never let me rest again. But history will know that we did the right thing.

“Ready the missiles. We nuke Leicester in one hour. May God have mercy on our souls.”

The prime minister then poked his head into the room, asking what was going on, and Cummings said it was nothing that need concern him.