How to navigate a pub full of twats from school

VISITING your parents for Christmas? Chances are you’ll end up in a pub with old schoolmates either in the same boat or who never moved away. Get through it:

Realise the girl you fancied has awful political views

You can’t deny Michelle her political opinions because you used to perv over her playing netball. But now she’s got the usual tabloid-approved list of right-wing views about immigrants, dole scroungers and so on. Still, your last interaction was wanking over her in 1998, so it should be easy to move on.

Have your career bigged-up in advance

One schoolmate is bound to be raking it in at some City firm, so plan how you can make your own dismal career sound better than it is. Normally you’d despise yourself for this sort of bullshit, but there’s no way you’re going to be defeated again by a geeky four-eyed bastard who always beat you in maths tests.

Harden your heart to the unpopular kid

Oddball Terry was ostracised at school. He’s probably just a regular guy, you think as he enters the pub. He’s not. He’s still a f**king weirdo. No one will join you if you’re talking to him and he’ll assume you’re deeply interested in his job castrating pigs.

Expect ill-informed yokel crap

If you’ve moved to any major city, especially London, be prepared to patiently deal with these comments from the peasantry: ‘Bet you’re on 500k’, ‘I couldn’t live there with all the crime’, ‘My cousin lives in Wimbledon. You should meet up.’ It feels a bit unfair, as you don’t say: ‘So you still live in this semi-rural area? What’s it like having cows nesting in your loft?’

Take pleasure in the embittered former cool kid

This former schoolmate peaked aged 14. He had the girls, the trainers, the homemade hip-hop compilations on C60s. The former cock of the roost is now prematurely aged and full of regrets, having f**ked his exams and worked at the local meat processing factory since he was 16. You’d feel sorry for him, but he used to cruelly mock your spots, so karmic justice has been served.

Bullies’ capacity for violence is unchanged

Most school bullies become normal adults. However some develop their interest in violence via the EDL or the local football team’s ‘firm’. Try not to show fear as you suddenly realise you’re chatting away happily in a lion’s den of local casuals who are hoping Santa brings them a Stanley knife.

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King Charles uses first Christmas message to attack inconsistencies in VAR

KING Charles III has used his first address to the nation to attack the inconsistent use of video assistant referees in domestic football. 

Charles ignored the cost of living crisis, energy shortages and war in Ukraine to instead share his thoughts on the errors made at Stockley Park judging red cards, handball and increasingly marginal offsides.

He continued: “A lot of water has passed under the bridge since August. We lost Britain’s longest-serving monarch, my dear mother, and Britain’s shortest-serving prime minister.

“But throughout I have remained unequivocally livid about Ivan Toney’s disallowed goal against Fulham, because that was in no sense of the word offside.

“Likewise West Ham’s equaliser against Chelsea, disallowed for a supposed foul on Edouard Mendy. Thousands of Britons lost their accumulators on that decision. Thousands more saw their fantasy football teams crippled.

“We have reached the point where crowds attending games are unable to celebrate goals because they are waiting for VAR. It is tearing the very heart from football. The FA has a moral duty to act.

“I wish you all a very happy Christmas.”

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “This is the benefit of a King on the throne. He’s talking bloody sense.”