How to pace your four-day piss up for the Queen

IT is your patriotic duty to get royally pissed for Her Majesty this Jubilee weekend. But make sure you pace yourself properly with these tips.

Start slow

The Jubilee weekend is a marathon of inebriation, not a sprint. Amateurs will have started getting pissed on Wednesday night, but seasoned pros will take things slow on Thursday morning with a couple of half pints before lunch. This might not seem impressive to onlookers, but try to think of them as alcoholic callisthenics. They’re needed to prepare your body for the carnage to come.

Remember to eat

The mantra ‘eating’s cheating’ is certainly true on a night out when you’re trying to get hammered as quickly as possible. But on a four-day weekend you need to put food into your face to survive. Don’t worry about its nutritional value, any burger or kebab will do, just so long as it takes the edge off.

Keep mixing to a minimum

Choose your lane this morning and stick to it. Don’t try to change from beer to wine or spirits after a couple of days because you’ve got bored, the uncontrollable physical consequences will not be worth it. Also you don’t want to let the Queen down by passing out in a puddle of your own puke before Sunday.

Don’t be afraid to drink water

A couple of pints of water in the evening will help to clear your system and prepare you for the next day of heavy drinking. Try to wait until you’re home to pour yourself a glass though, because asking for council pop in a pub is a risky move on normal weekends. This weekend it’ll probably get you thrown through a window.

Try to get some sleep

The Jubilee weekend is 96 hours long, so there’s no way you can stay conscious for all of it. Don’t feel that you have to stick to your usual sleeping routine though. Public gardens and bus shelters are perfectly good places to pass out for a couple of hours before heading back to the pub.

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70 glorious years: The inexorable decline of Britain and how the Queen helped

BRITAIN has been sliding towards a gloom-ridden dystopia over the last 70 years and the Queen has done nothing to stop it. Here’s how it unfolded. 


Britain loses its empire and relinquishes its status as a world power under the Queen’s reign, with a few countries patronisingly keeping her face on money. Her Majesty has three children as did millions of other women.


The country is transformed by baby boomers with wild fashions, pop music, and radically different sexual and societal mores. The Queen stands as a proud figurehead to all those resisting any improvement in their daily lives and demanding subservience to a ruling class, just as she does today.


The collapse of British manufacturing and Thatcher’s war on the unions devastates working-class Britain. Inflation is rampant and unemployment high. Our monarch decides to cheer things up with a big celebration of her, which we pay for, and a fancy wedding for her son.


Son’s expensive marriage falls apart, because he didn’t want to marry the woman his mum made him marry and didn’t much like her. Poll tax riots and Black Monday. At the end Her Majesty feels sorry for herself because there was a fire at her house and she has to pay tax.


Bollocked by the nation for improperly mourning the death of her daughter-in-law, who she was less than fond of. The country suffers recession and New Labour. Queen largely indifferent, and is punished for it by spending new year in the Millennium Dome holding Tony Blair’s hand.


War in Iraq, a credit crunch, tens of thousands of homeless and the sale of everything bar the monarchy to foreign interests. The Queen holds another two big Jubilees in honour of herself and the whole country spends four days drinking white cider in the rain.


Trump becomes president, Brexit splits Britain, and Her Majesty happily agrees to illegally prorogue parliament rather than make a fuss. Has Trump over like that’s acceptable. Grandson marries a black woman who’s welcomed to the family and hounded out of the country. Pays off son’s court case for sex allegations. Another celebration is certainly due.