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'I heard a podcast about that': Five signs you're about to be lectured by a twat

TRYING to have a conversation with an irritating acquaintance? As soon as you hear any of these, brace yourself for a sort of shit mini-lecture.

‘I saw an interesting Guardian long-read recently’

The sentence that sends shivers down the backs of anyone attending a dinner party. Paula’s underwhelming beef wellington will turn to ash in your mouth as you sit through what feels like her recounting the entire article in real time. You never thought you’d spend the evening being lectured on the financial struggles facing Peruvian alpaca farmers, but there you are.

‘I heard a podcast about that’

You thought you were on safe, if boring, ground discussing inflation with Ian at work. Well, unfortunately, Ian listened to a BBC podcast the other day, so now your lunch break will be wasted listening to this wanker try to lecture you about global economics while he struggles to remember facts he didn’t understand anyway. 

‘Have you even seen the documentaries?’

Looking to have a nice, relaxed conversation about, say, The Beatles, with a few friends at a party? Well, prepare for some pedantic prick to berate you for not having PhD level knowledge of the band and attempt to feel superior by deploying tedious facts such as: ‘In 1966 the Beatles were among the first artists to use artificial double-tracking.’

‘There’s a brilliant TED talk about that’

Is the person you’re speaking to a qualified expert on the subject they’re looking to wank on about? No. Did they watch half a TED talk about successful relationships on a bus one morning in 2017 and seem to think that makes them a world-leading behavioural psychologist? Unfortunately, yes, so prepare for some unsolicited, and inaccurate, relationship advice.

‘Did you read the book though?’

Chatting about a massive, widely-acclaimed movie series like The Lord of the Rings? Well you don’t actually know what you’re talking about, according to this arse. Enjoy spending the next hour having a man wearing a leather trench coat explain how J.R.R. Tolkein would be spinning in his grave if he knew what details the movies left out. (Mainly boring dwarf mythology.)

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10 small but effective ways Prince Andrew could make amends

THE Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has revealed Prince Andrew is trying to make amends for his reckless youth when he was a mere strip of a lad in his 50s. Here are some suggestions.

Help his mother with light duties

At 96, the Queen is beginning to wind down on some of her essential chores. Andrew could do things like dusting the dozens of ceremonial assegais she’s collected over the years and clearing up the corgis’ mess the way she did his.

Learn how to sweat

It’s never too late to learn how to sweat. Once you get a feel for the water on your skin you’ll love it. Also very handy for cooling yourself down in nightclubs.

Free adverts for Pizza Express

Andrew dealt a blow to the public image of Pizza Express by associating it in the public mind with old leches accused of sex offences. He should ride to its rescue with a series of ironic ads such as him lasciviously saying ‘Mine’s a big and meaty – and I’ll have a pizza too!’

Set up a self-indulgent charity

Supporting charities for victims of sex trafficking was a non-starter, for obvious reasons. What Andrew needs is a worthy charity that reflects his own interests, perhaps raising spending money for posh people with no intention of getting a job.

Organise an It’s A Royal Knockout for the 2020s

Following in the footsteps of his brother Edward, Andrew should don the jester’s cap and raise a smile with wacky frolics involving desperate celebrities pushing wheelbarrows full of baked beans across an assault course for the cause of showing what a basically good guy Andrew is.

Take a wife

It would be seemly if Andrew were to prove himself a dependable, traditional chap by taking a shy, demure bride, preferably in her teenage years. This worked brilliantly for Charles, and public opinion of him would be reversed at a stroke.

Present a new BBC show, Andrew’ll Fix It

The once-popular Jim’ll Fix It format has fallen out of favour for reasons too sordid to go into here. What better way of restoring it than to give it the Royal seal of approval by putting Prince Andrew at its helm?

Lead a Falklands-style military incursion in the Ukraine

Andrew is a battle-hardened war hero from his exploits in 1982, seeing off the Argies single-handedly with his chopper. Time for him, in the spirit of the Top Gun sequel, to take to the skies once more and put Putin in his place. How romantic if he were also to win the hand of some lucky young Ukrainian girl as reward for saving her country!

Fire himself out of a cannon…

Could be part of It’s a Royal Knockout 2023, but it’s something most people would just like to see anyway. The circus spirit in troubled times. Go on, Andy. Do it.

… into a distant cesspit or a concrete car park

The first has enormous comedy value, the second would lead to broken bones but also prove Andrew can take his punishment like a man and not hide on an estate dicking around with horses.

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