YOU’RE probably confused by what monkeypox is and what you should be doing to prevent it. Don’t worry – Dr Emma Bradford is here to answer all your questions.
How can I tell if I’ve got the monkeypox?
It begins with fever, headaches and swelling, developing into a rash and unpleasant lesions lasting several weeks. However these can be the result of many things. An urge to swing on a tyre and live up a tree are the only conclusive symptoms. Also it’s ‘monkeypox’, not ‘the monkeypox’, you moron. I had enough of that with Covid.
Should I stop shagging monkeys?
Monkeypox is spread by bodily contact rather than sex itself, so technically no. But intercourse with monkeys carries its own risks. They are surprisingly strong and getting your penis confused with a banana could lead to horrific injuries. There’s also the small matter of being a f**king weirdo.
I can’t get it because I go to the gym, right?
Viruses are not little monsters who think ‘I won’t bother with that big, strong guy, look at his guns’, as many fitness freaks and gym bunnies discovered when they got Covid. However, given the narcissistic f**kwits you find in a gym, it’s not surprising they believed this.
Say there’s going to be Eat Out To Help Out! Say there’s going to be Eat Out To Help Out!
While not as dangerous as Covid, it’s really not worth getting monkeypox for the sake of a mediocre half-price pub burger. The memory of getting some £2 onion rings free will do nothing to alleviate painful lesions and permanent scarring, surprisingly.
Will monkeypox wipe out humanity?
No. With any new disease the Daily Mail likes to imply it will, but that’s just wishful thinking because they’re vindictive bastards who hate everyone and haven’t considered who’ll buy their crappy newspaper when we’re all dead.
Will B&Q be shut? I’ll kill myself
Thousands of Britons ignored social distancing in their obsessive desire to shop at B&Q. However you won’t get monkeypox at B&Q, unless you’re in the habit of rubbing yourself against naked retired people. You also won’t have to wear a mask, so you won’t be able to whinge like a twat about that, or do that thing of not covering your nose properly in a supremely shit act of rebellion.