Should I stop shagging monkeys? Your monkeypox questions answered

YOU’RE probably confused by what monkeypox is and what you should be doing to prevent it. Don’t worry – Dr Emma Bradford is here to answer all your questions.

How can I tell if I’ve got the monkeypox?

It begins with fever, headaches and swelling, developing into a rash and unpleasant lesions lasting several weeks. However these can be the result of many things. An urge to swing on a tyre and live up a tree are the only conclusive symptoms. Also it’s ‘monkeypox’, not ‘the monkeypox’, you moron. I had enough of that with Covid.

Should I stop shagging monkeys? 

Monkeypox is spread by bodily contact rather than sex itself, so technically no. But intercourse with monkeys carries its own risks. They are surprisingly strong and getting your penis confused with a banana could lead to horrific injuries. There’s also the small matter of being a f**king weirdo.

I can’t get it because I go to the gym, right?

Viruses are not little monsters who think ‘I won’t bother with that big, strong guy, look at his guns’, as many fitness freaks and gym bunnies discovered when they got Covid. However, given the narcissistic f**kwits you find in a gym, it’s not surprising they believed this.

Say there’s going to be Eat Out To Help Out! Say there’s going to be Eat Out To Help Out!

While not as dangerous as Covid, it’s really not worth getting monkeypox for the sake of a mediocre half-price pub burger. The memory of getting some £2 onion rings free will do nothing to alleviate painful lesions and permanent scarring, surprisingly. 

Will monkeypox wipe out humanity? 

No. With any new disease the Daily Mail likes to imply it will, but that’s just wishful thinking because they’re vindictive bastards who hate everyone and haven’t considered who’ll buy their crappy newspaper when we’re all dead.

Will B&Q be shut? I’ll kill myself

Thousands of Britons ignored social distancing in their obsessive desire to shop at B&Q. However you won’t get monkeypox at B&Q, unless you’re in the habit of rubbing yourself against naked retired people. You also won’t have to wear a mask, so you won’t be able to whinge like a twat about that, or do that thing of not covering your nose properly in a supremely shit act of rebellion. 

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People using the phrase 'Platty Joobs', and other reasons to start drinking this morning

WE’VE got four days of Queen-based nonsense to get through, so you’d better crack open a bottle immediately. Here are the horrors it will help you blot out.

‘Platty Joobs’

Is the phrase ‘Platty Joobs’ childish and annoying in the manner of ‘holibobs’ and ‘Panny D’, or an irreverent bit of British humour that undercuts the obsequious fawning of the celebrations? Something to discuss while you’re pulling the tab on your first can of lager this morning.

Culturally and historically confused street parties

The gay couple next door are drinking a cocktail called the ‘Lam-Queen-i’ under some ironic Union Jack bunting. This has encouraged number 47 to put out the England flag and World War I soldier silhouette they’ve got for Remembrance Day. Now your weird neighbour Norman has stuck a swastika in his window. The worst thing is it all makes a bizarre kind of sense and you need to be drunk to cope with this reality.

The Platinum Party

The forecast for Saturday isn’t looking good, which means you’ll have to drink in the house rather than the garden. You’ll pop on the telly and be confronted with a concert featuring a less-than-stellar line-up including Craig David, Duran Duran and Queen. You’d better sink another bottle of wine to alleviate the misery.

The Jubilee Pageant cringefest

By the time Sunday rolls around you’re considering having a day off the booze to recuperate and nurse your monstrous hangover. However, when you find yourself watching a section of the pageant called ‘Dames in Jags’ – literally Dames being driven around in Jaguars – you’ll be reaching for a bottle of gin to help blank out the sheer embarrassment of being British.

Next Monday morning

After four days of state-approved drinking, you will feel like absolute shit and be dreading the return to work. So you might as well make the misery worth it by getting as drunk as humanly possible, starting from right now.