How to pretend you haven't already failed at Dry January

A SWIFT nip of cooking wine to test its quality doesn’t count as drinking, right? Here are some other ways to kid yourself you’re staying sober this month. 

Leftover liqueur chocolates

Liqueur chocolates are vile, which is why no one eats them at Christmas. However, you can get away with chaining five in a row and secretly get just slightly tipsy.

Catch a cough

Lick a few door handles, get yourself a chesty cough and get on the Night Nurse. Mix with Benilyn for the ultimate drowsy high. Not recommended if operating heavy machinery, but nor is booze and that’s never bothered you.

Liberally apply hand sanitizer

Hand sanitizer has got quite a lot of alcohol in it. Kid yourself that you’ve developed a weird germ compulsion and slather it all over yourself until you absorb enough through the skin that you’re wreathed in bonhomie.

Start wearing perfume or aftershave

There’s about as much raw, delicious alcohol in a bottle of CK One as there is in a bottle of cheap vodka, plus it smells nicer. Spray generously onto your wrists and then lick off as the day goes.

Inhale deeply at petrol stations

If really desperate, the merest whiff of ethanol will help tide you over until you can get wrecked again in three weeks. Linger on the forecourt of your local petrol station, breathing very hard.

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It's not a real f**king job anyway, says Harry

PRINCE Harry has explained that it does not matter that he is stepping back as a senior Royal because it is not a real f**king job in any sense.

The Duke of Sussex, which is also not a real job, told Britain that it will not even notice his departure because whether anyone is performing his role or not makes absolutely no difference.

He added: “I’ve just had six weeks off. Admit it. None of you even realised.

“I’ve been in the Army, where they make you do b*llocks stuff like marching up and down and saluting a hat all night. I know a bullsh*t job when I see one.

“So when I say my wife and I are stepping back from being senior royals, it means that next time a leisure centre needs opening someone from Love Island can do it instead. At least they need the money.

“Yes, you could argue that my real job is smiling and waving while the tabloid press calls my wife a bitch, but they were perfectly happy hating Kate before 2016 so I’m sure they can go back.

“Meghan and I will no longer be performing our pointless non-duties for the benefit of a largely indifferent public. If this matters to you, you need help.”