A SWIFT nip of cooking wine to test its quality doesn’t count as drinking, right? Here are some other ways to kid yourself you’re staying sober this month.
Leftover liqueur chocolates
Liqueur chocolates are vile, which is why no one eats them at Christmas. However, you can get away with chaining five in a row and secretly get just slightly tipsy.
Catch a cough
Lick a few door handles, get yourself a chesty cough and get on the Night Nurse. Mix with Benilyn for the ultimate drowsy high. Not recommended if operating heavy machinery, but nor is booze and that’s never bothered you.
Liberally apply hand sanitizer
Hand sanitizer has got quite a lot of alcohol in it. Kid yourself that you’ve developed a weird germ compulsion and slather it all over yourself until you absorb enough through the skin that you’re wreathed in bonhomie.
Start wearing perfume or aftershave
There’s about as much raw, delicious alcohol in a bottle of CK One as there is in a bottle of cheap vodka, plus it smells nicer. Spray generously onto your wrists and then lick off as the day goes.
Inhale deeply at petrol stations
If really desperate, the merest whiff of ethanol will help tide you over until you can get wrecked again in three weeks. Linger on the forecourt of your local petrol station, breathing very hard.