Thursday, 2nd April 2020

Revealed: The worst places to live in England, excluding London obviously

A SURVEY has revealed the worst places to live in England, with London excluded from the results because otherwise it would be nothing but. 

Places like Keighley, Rochdale and Peterborough, where a four-bedroom house can be bought for the price of a studio in SE19, have been named as sh*tholes to make the nation feel included.

Property investor Julian Cook said: “There’s nowhere in the UK your quality of life is lower than London.

“But just naming a bunch of London boroughs – Lewisham, Barking, bloody Brent – gets dull for everyone. It’s like when it’s all Cambridge colleges on University Challenge. Doesn’t seem fair.

“So we’ve named Nottingham, a city of leafy streets and uncrowded parks, Halifax in the beautiful Pennines, and Stoke-on-Trent – admittedly a sh*thole but paradise compared to Hackney.

“Of course, there’s no way life in even Doncaster is comparable to the living hell of Wood Green, where burglaries are frequent in the ex-council flat you share with three other highly-paid professionals in extreme poverty.”

Brand strategy consultant Joanna Turner said: “I could sell my one-bed above a Camberwell chicken shop and buy a four-bed detached in Huddersfield. But my job’s too bullsh*t to exist anywhere else.”