Friday, 22nd January 2021

How to pretend you know about wine and don't choose it based on the label

WANT to pretend you’re knowledgeable about wine and don’t just choose it according to whichever label has the nicest picture? Here’s what to say.

‘I never drink anything with a screw cap’

Show off your superior knowledge by claiming you’d never drink anything common enough to have a screw cap. It’s bollocks, as your guests will know, but at least they get to watch you struggle to open a bottle with your stupid little ‘waiter’s friend’.

‘The legs on this are excellent’

The ‘legs’ of a wine are the streaks that run down the inside of the glass after you’ve swirled it. However, your date might not know that and will presume you’re some sort of pervert who weirdly sexualises liquids.

‘This wine is aromatic and floral’

This sounds knowledgeable whilst actually being incredibly generic. You might as well have just said ‘This wine smells like wine’ but hopefully your guests will already be too drunk to realise you’re a massive pleb.

Name some places in France

Dropping some names of wine regions as you sip, such as Bordeaux or the Rhone Valley, will make you look a true connoisseur. Read the label before you do this though, because if it says ‘Australian Shiraz’ on the label in big letters you’ll look very silly.

‘Have you ever tried a calimocho?’

Impress your friends by telling them that in Spain people drink red wine and coke, a drink called calimocho. You think you sound sophisticated and European, but it’s basically a cheap drink for shitfaced teens.