Friday, 22nd January 2021

How to act like a spoilt little shit over the new Covid restrictions

ARE you a grown adult but think scientists are just trying to spoil everyone’s fun for the hell of it? Here’s how to behave like a petulant toddler.

Complain about f**king everything

Can’t go to McDonald’s for a bit? It’s like living under Islamic State. Your incessant whinging should make those around you want to contract Covid just for a blissful break in an intensive care unit.

Be a drama queen about wearing a mask

Constantly fiddle with it in an irritable way and find implausible new problems, eg. “It’s chafing my ears.” Make bitter little quips like “Time to put my new muzzle on!” or “I know how the Man in the Iron Mask felt now!” when you’re only popping into Sainsbury’s for 10 minutes.

Slag off ‘the scientists’

Scientists in favour of lockdown just enjoy lording it over the rest of us in their ivory towers. Covid can’t be that dangerous or there’d be piles of bodies in the streets. If only humanity had ignored science in favour of common sense like you have.

Act as if you cannot live without going to the pub

You can still get pissed at home and remain in touch with mates by Zoom and similar. What was going on in your local? Nightly coke-fuelled sex parties with top Hollywood stars? Also, there is no record of a human being dying as a result of missing ‘pie night’. 

Make pathetic idle threats

Say things like: “I’m going to have all my relatives over for Christmas and if the coppers try to stop me they’re getting a smack in the face.” Omit to mention that: (A) the police are unlikely to intervene, (B) you are not brave or stupid enough to assault several police officers, and (C) you hate your relatives and haven’t seen most of them since 1998.

Consider actual tantrums

Despite being in your 40s, if you’re not allowed to go 10-pin bowling, throw yourself on the floor howling and crying and refuse to eat for a day.