How to act like a spoilt little shit over the new Covid restrictions

ARE you a grown adult but think scientists are just trying to spoil everyone’s fun for the hell of it? Here’s how to behave like a petulant toddler.

Complain about f**king everything

Can’t go to McDonald’s for a bit? It’s like living under Islamic State. Your incessant whinging should make those around you want to contract Covid just for a blissful break in an intensive care unit.

Be a drama queen about wearing a mask

Constantly fiddle with it in an irritable way and find implausible new problems, eg. “It’s chafing my ears.” Make bitter little quips like “Time to put my new muzzle on!” or “I know how the Man in the Iron Mask felt now!” when you’re only popping into Sainsbury’s for 10 minutes.

Slag off ‘the scientists’

Scientists in favour of lockdown just enjoy lording it over the rest of us in their ivory towers. Covid can’t be that dangerous or there’d be piles of bodies in the streets. If only humanity had ignored science in favour of common sense like you have.

Act as if you cannot live without going to the pub

You can still get pissed at home and remain in touch with mates by Zoom and similar. What was going on in your local? Nightly coke-fuelled sex parties with top Hollywood stars? Also, there is no record of a human being dying as a result of missing ‘pie night’. 

Make pathetic idle threats

Say things like: “I’m going to have all my relatives over for Christmas and if the coppers try to stop me they’re getting a smack in the face.” Omit to mention that: (A) the police are unlikely to intervene, (B) you are not brave or stupid enough to assault several police officers, and (C) you hate your relatives and haven’t seen most of them since 1998.

Consider actual tantrums

Despite being in your 40s, if you’re not allowed to go 10-pin bowling, throw yourself on the floor howling and crying and refuse to eat for a day.

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'Buy a metal detector': Rishi Sunak's money advice for 2021

WORRIED about surviving the UK’s escalating economic apocalypse? Fear not because chancellor Rishi Sunak is here with advice for the hard times ahead.

Buy a metal detector

We’ve all been there – the pennies in your piggy bank don’t stretch to a loaf of Asda own-brand bread. But instead of any meaningful public sector pay rises, we’re offering reduced-price metal detectors – via our preferred government partner – so families can get out there and find the pennies that Britons threw away in the days of plenty.

Visit motorways in Kent

Motorways in Kent might be at a standstill once the Brexit transition period ends in January. So why not go and join the queues of lorries and ask if you can take their rotting food off their hands before it goes to waste?

Check drawers in relatives’ houses

In the rough and tumble of life, we all have to do difficult things to make sure we’re on the winning side. So don’t be afraid to visit an elderly relative and have a quick look through the drawers in their bedroom, just to be sure they’re not keeping any cash that they probably don’t need. 

Bet against the pound

We’re all patriots, of course we are. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t put our own interests first from time to time. That’s why we think that you should be pragmatic and consider some of the excellent opportunities out there to invest in the decline of the pound.