How to tackle red wine stains while knowing they'll never, ever come out

TRY these handy methods of getting red wine stains out of your soft furnishings while simultaneously sobbing because you know they won’t work.

Cover the stain in salt

In theory salt absorbs the spill and cleverly makes the stain go away. In practice your beautiful white sofa is now covered in lots of dirty, boozy grit.

Pour white wine on it

While there might seem to be some weird logic in white wine being able to neutralise red, there is actually none. It’s bollocks and you’re just pissed.

Scrub it with soda water

In your desperation to save the cream carpet before your partner gets home you might believe that the magic bubbles will somehow ‘fizz’ the stain away. You are sadly mistaken.

Cut out the stain and cover up the hole with something

An act of desperation, but one you can get away with if you convince yourself and others that having a big pot plant obscuring the telly is an interesting interior design choice.

Start crying and pray for a miracle

The reality of the situation is that red wine stains never really come out and just hang around to remind you of being a clumsy, pissed-up twat. Definitely your best option.

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Government to provide emergency heating but only for awful Tory pensioners

THE government is planning to supply emergency heaters, blankets and duvets to old folk, but only the ones who are diehard Conservatives.

Wizened bigots, golliwog owners and fans of the death penalty will be among those who will benefit from the kind gesture, so long as they vote Tory and not UKIP.

Junior health minister Denys Finch Hatton said: “As temperatures dip below zero, it is important our party membership doesn’t do the same.

“Priority will be given to the most horrible elderly Tories. If they keep banging on about immigration – or better still, apartheid – they’ll be as snug as a bug in a rug.

“We’ll be focusing on marginal constituencies, where warm winter woolies could mean the difference between life and death for the chances of our parliamentary candidates.

“This isn’t about shoring up our dwindling voter base, although if someone’s thinking of defecting we might tempt them back by installing a magnificent log fire and giving them a year’s supply of crumpets.”

When criticised for not broadening the emergency heating plan to include all Britain’s pensioners, Finch Hatton decided to irrelevantly criticise Jeremy Corbyn.

He said: “Corbyn calls himself a socialist yet he has central heating. What a bloody hypocrite.”