AFTER consuming large amounts of alcohol it’s not always easy to tell exactly how shitfaced you are. Find out where you are on the ‘pissedness scale’ with our scientific guide.
You are quite talkative
This is fine. You are enjoying alcohol responsibly and having fun. FOR GOD’S SAKE STOP DRINKING NOW BEFORE IT ALL GOES TO SHIT. Pissedness level: 1
You have become really funny
Except you haven’t. Your anecdote about being served lukewarm chips in the company canteen was not a brilliant, carefully honed comedy routine, and your humorous jibes directed at Gareth were only laughed at because everyone fucking hates Gareth. Pissedness level: 2
You can easily handle lots more booze
The pints are slipping down effortlessly, making you wonder why you never realised before that you were a legendary drinker like Richard Burton, and probably more talented. Time for another round! Pissedness level: 3
You are talking absolute bollocks
Why the fuck are you having an increasingly aggressive argument about Line of Duty being “total shit”, even though you’ve only seen half an episode? Pissedness level: 4
You are definitely in with a chance with that very attractive random stranger
Extreme danger territory. Even if you look like Chris Hemsworth or Margot Robbie, a total stranger may have reservations about going home with someone who keeps robotically slurring the words “So what sort of peanuts do YOU like?”. Pissedness level: 5
If you stop concentrating your mouth hangs open
Right. Your motor functions are going. Stop drinking NOW before your sense of balance packs in and you collapse onto that table full of empty – oh. Too late. Pissedness level: Embarrassment for weeks or years to come.