How to tell how pissed you are

AFTER consuming large amounts of alcohol it’s not always easy to tell exactly how shitfaced you are. Find out where you are on the ‘pissedness scale’ with our scientific guide.

You are quite talkative

This is fine. You are enjoying alcohol responsibly and having fun. FOR GOD’S SAKE STOP DRINKING NOW BEFORE IT ALL GOES TO SHIT. Pissedness level: 1

You have become really funny

Except you haven’t. Your anecdote about being served lukewarm chips in the company canteen was not a brilliant, carefully honed comedy routine, and your humorous jibes directed at Gareth were only laughed at because everyone fucking hates Gareth. Pissedness level: 2

You can easily handle lots more booze

The pints are slipping down effortlessly, making you wonder why you never realised before that you were a legendary drinker like Richard Burton, and probably more talented. Time for another round! Pissedness level: 3

You are talking absolute bollocks

Why the fuck are you having an increasingly aggressive argument about Line of Duty being “total shit”, even though you’ve only seen half an episode? Pissedness level: 4

You are definitely in with a chance with that very attractive random stranger

Extreme danger territory. Even if you look like Chris Hemsworth or Margot Robbie, a total stranger may have reservations about going home with someone who keeps robotically slurring the words “So what sort of peanuts do YOU like?”. Pissedness level: 5

If you stop concentrating your mouth hangs open

Right. Your motor functions are going. Stop drinking NOW before your sense of balance packs in and you collapse onto that table full of empty – oh. Too late. Pissedness level: Embarrassment for weeks or years to come.

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The couple's guide to not having sex anymore

SEX is great but in a long-term relationship it often feels like a lot of hassle. Here are some excellent reasons not to do it.

You just got into your pyjamas

Sex doesn’t really compare to the deep joy of getting into your pyjamas. If your partner had given you advance warning that would be fine, but not after you’ve got all the way into them.  

You’ll have to resolve an argument first

No sex will take place until you resolve that lingering argument about letting the kids watch four hours of a disturbing new sci-fi horror show on Netflix. That would mean admitting you were wrong, which is far too much grief before bedtime.

You’ve just cleaned the sheets

There’s nothing like clean sheets, especially if you only wash them once a month. No wonder the thought of sweat, bodily fluids and bare bottoms coming into contact with your lovely crisp sheets puts you right off sex.

All that clambering on top of each other

Sex can be great once you get going but it requires one party to clamber onto the other. It all feels like unnecessary physical effort when you’ve got Pinterest to look at.

The walls are too thin

You can hear the neighbours’ TV so they can hear you. Best to be on the safe side and not have sex in case they are voyeuristic perverts.