How to wake your girlfriend up when you come home smashed at 2am

BEEN out for a few bevvies? You have a number of options for disturbing your partner’s sleep when you finally stumble home.

Walk into things

You can set about the task of accidentally waking up your girlfriend the moment you stagger in through the front door. Try bumping into the little table where you put your keys, ideally knocking over a fragile vase. Alternatively, stub your toe on a door frame and then hop around screaming ‘F**k! F**k! F**k!’, followed by excessively loud shushing noises.

Make a snack

If you make it to the kitchen without disturbing your partner, don’t worry. There are lots of opportunities to create noise while making a tasty snack. Clatter pots and pans, spill the entire contents of the cutlery drawer and set off the smoke alarm. You can then tuck in, proud of yourself for having successfully made a piece of jam on toast.

Watch telly

Now that you’ve destroyed the kitchen you’re probably in the mood to watch some crap television with the volume on full blast. Pop Takeshi’s Castle on and let your hysterical laughter echo around the room until one of the eight pints you sank threatens to resurface. When you’re on the verge of spewing, it’s time to head to the bathroom.

Puke your guts out

The noise of retching and splattering vomit is likely to pull anyone away from the sweet embrace of sleep. For hygiene reasons, make sure you flush the toilet after every single heave. Don’t worry about the fact that only a fifth of your puke actually made it into the pan, that’s a problem for the you of tomorrow to sort out. Or your girlfriend. Depends who gets up first.

Turn the bedroom light on

When entering the bedroom, it’s important to forget that it’s the middle of the night and your girlfriend is in a deep sleep. Turn the light on, notice her, apologise, ask if she’s asleep, wait for an answer, apologise, mumble something about how Nathan made you go on to the Pitcher and Piano because they have a late licence and it’s his birthday next month, and then turn the light off. Repeat several times.

Attempt to initiate sex

Okay, time to play your trump card. Don’t go in all guns blazing, do something artfully seductive. Perhaps you could squeeze her boobs. Or maybe just shout ‘Fancy a bit?’ into her ear. If you’re unlucky, she’ll actually let you try to have sex with her, at which point you’ll realise that you’re completely incapable of performing, and she’ll end up disappointed as well as annoyed. Still, you woke her up, so it’s a job well done.

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The six men on your middle-aged lads' night out

HAVING a night out with your middle-aged mates? Expect these arseholes to turn it into a complete f**king nightmare.

The one on the pull

You’re all the wrong side of 40 with partners and kids, but that won’t stop this guy from thinking he’s 20-something again and a magnet for women. Cringe as he uses terrible chat-up lines that fail just like they did two decades ago, before he tries it on with a right hard bastard’s girlfriend and gets you all threatened with a kicking.

The one who’s already pissed

You met at 7pm, but Tom has clearly been on the lash all afternoon in preparation. He’ll be trying to hug you like you’re reunited brothers separated at birth, which is just as well because the minute you let go of him he’ll fall on his arse. The only blessing is he’ll pass out by 8pm and you can put him in a taxi home.

The driver

And boy, isn’t he f**king banging on about it? He’s begrudgingly agreed to be the designated driver and he’ll milk his saintly, selfless generosity like he’s the Dalai f**king Lama. ‘Just a coke for me, I’m on taxi duty’ he’ll loudly proclaim every time someone’s getting a round in. After a couple of hours you’ll be vowing to get Ubers next time.

The ageing clubber

You’ve not been to a nightclub since 2004, and are now at the age where the thought of all that deafening music and pilled-up youths is about as appealing as gouging your own eyes out with a rusty melon baller. Except this arsehole, who thinks he has discovered the elixir of eternal youth at the bottom of his seventh pint of Peroni. He’s so determined he’ll end up going on his own, only for the door staff to refuse him entry because he looks like everyone else’s dad.

The work obsessive

You’ve met up for a few beers and a heated debate about football, not to listen to him explaining in painstakingly detail exactly how he sealed his firm’s big new contract. That won’t stop him. You’ve zoned out halfway through your first pint, and still he prattles on. By the end of the night you’re feeling like you’ve sat through a four-hour f**king marketing seminar.

Boring old you

It seemed a brilliant idea to have a catch-up night on the piss, but now you’re here it feels like purgatory. The prices have gone through the roof, the bar staff look like they’re still at school, and by 10pm all you want to do is get home and put your feet up in front of Match of the Day. Elaborately lie your way out by saying you have to get back for the babysitter. Hopefully they’ll all be too shitfaced to remember your kids are both in their teens, and you can slope off feeling deeply relieved.