BEEN out for a few bevvies? You have a number of options for disturbing your partner’s sleep when you finally stumble home.
Walk into things
You can set about the task of accidentally waking up your girlfriend the moment you stagger in through the front door. Try bumping into the little table where you put your keys, ideally knocking over a fragile vase. Alternatively, stub your toe on a door frame and then hop around screaming ‘F**k! F**k! F**k!’, followed by excessively loud shushing noises.
Make a snack
If you make it to the kitchen without disturbing your partner, don’t worry. There are lots of opportunities to create noise while making a tasty snack. Clatter pots and pans, spill the entire contents of the cutlery drawer and set off the smoke alarm. You can then tuck in, proud of yourself for having successfully made a piece of jam on toast.
Now that you’ve destroyed the kitchen you’re probably in the mood to watch some crap television with the volume on full blast. Pop Takeshi’s Castle on and let your hysterical laughter echo around the room until one of the eight pints you sank threatens to resurface. When you’re on the verge of spewing, it’s time to head to the bathroom.
Puke your guts out
The noise of retching and splattering vomit is likely to pull anyone away from the sweet embrace of sleep. For hygiene reasons, make sure you flush the toilet after every single heave. Don’t worry about the fact that only a fifth of your puke actually made it into the pan, that’s a problem for the you of tomorrow to sort out. Or your girlfriend. Depends who gets up first.
Turn the bedroom light on
When entering the bedroom, it’s important to forget that it’s the middle of the night and your girlfriend is in a deep sleep. Turn the light on, notice her, apologise, ask if she’s asleep, wait for an answer, apologise, mumble something about how Nathan made you go on to the Pitcher and Piano because they have a late licence and it’s his birthday next month, and then turn the light off. Repeat several times.
Attempt to initiate sex
Okay, time to play your trump card. Don’t go in all guns blazing, do something artfully seductive. Perhaps you could squeeze her boobs. Or maybe just shout ‘Fancy a bit?’ into her ear. If you’re unlucky, she’ll actually let you try to have sex with her, at which point you’ll realise that you’re completely incapable of performing, and she’ll end up disappointed as well as annoyed. Still, you woke her up, so it’s a job well done.