LETTING agents have requested your last three years’ payslips to ensure they are getting every penny you earn for your poxy one-bedroom flat.
Property managers say it is in your interest to surrender your entire salary because, once rinsed to the absolute maximum, your spirit will be crushed and you will be happy to accept any flat in any location next time you move, even those shit ones with no parking next to the railway line.
Letting company director Tom Booker said: “The current system is broken. Tenants have to save up or find a guarantor for deposits and rent just to secure a smelly one-bed flat, which is complicated and stressful.
“Sometimes they send in CVs or write begging letters to landlords explaining why they would be the perfect tenant. We just read them, laugh and pin them to the ‘loser board’ in our coffee room.
“We propose simplifying things by having them transfer their whole salary to us on the day it is paid. We’ll show them places that are entirely different to what they requested, until they give in and sign a two-year rental agreement on a total shithole. Much easier for everyone.”
He added: “Obviously we’ll give them back some spending money, subject to a monthly admin fee of £40.”