Letting agents demand proof of your salary to check they're getting all of it

LETTING agents have requested your last three years’ payslips to ensure they are getting every penny you earn for your poxy one-bedroom flat.

Property managers say it is in your interest to surrender your entire salary because, once rinsed to the absolute maximum, your spirit will be crushed and you will be happy to accept any flat in any location next time you move, even those shit ones with no parking next to the railway line.

Letting company director Tom Booker said: “The current system is broken. Tenants have to save up or find a guarantor for deposits and rent just to secure a smelly one-bed flat, which is complicated and stressful.

“Sometimes they send in CVs or write begging letters to landlords explaining why they would be the perfect tenant. We just read them, laugh and pin them to the ‘loser board’ in our coffee room.

“We propose simplifying things by having them transfer their whole salary to us on the day it is paid. We’ll show them places that are entirely different to what they requested, until they give in and sign a two-year rental agreement on a total shithole. Much easier for everyone.”

He added: “Obviously we’ll give them back some spending money, subject to a monthly admin fee of £40.”

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Teenager to spend full weekend policing celebrity behaviour

A TEENAGER has decided she has no choice but to spend the next 48 hours policing the microscopic behavioural lapses of celebrities to stop them getting away with it.

Lauren Hewitt, aged 15, has put aside minor concerns like homework and family meals to spend Saturday and Sunday on her phone, battling the injustices committed by the famous.

She said: “What am I supposed to do when nepo baby Lourdes Leon gets a totally undeserved front row seat at the Luar runway show? Ignore it?

“Oh, and I guess next I could stand by and let Timothée Chalamet date Kylie Jenner without even registering my principled opposition. If I had no moral compass whatsoever, that is.

“Well, I’m sorry but I’m not the kind of person who can let Ashton Kutcher’s comments about an underaged Hilary Duff 21 years ago slide. That bastard needs to be brought to book and I’ve got the TikTok account that’s going to do it.

“We’re not like previous generations. We don’t stand by idly while those in power abuse it. Which is why I’m spending six hours making memes roasting Doja Cat for disrespecting her Kittenz, the f**king bitch.”

She added: “I’ve told my mum if Taylor Swift’s seen with Matty Healy again I’ll need to quit school to fight their relationship full-time. I think she understands.”