Couple heartbroken that dog enjoyed kennels

A COUPLE are devastated that their beloved dog had a great time during his kennel stay and cannot wait to go back.

Emma and Stephen Malley’s five-year-old dachshund Archie spent five days at a dog hotel which was, relatively speaking, more expensive than their own holiday in France.

‘Dog mum’ Emma said: “I was really hoping he’d pine for me. But oh no, he was living it up with his new dog friends. 

“I didn’t want him to be miserable. I definitely didn’t want him to end up malnourished because he was so depressed he couldn’t eat. But having to drag him out of there? What a kick in the teeth.”

Archie said: “I had a f**king whale of a time. My own room, late-night howls with the lads, all the food I could want. And the place was full of bitches. That’s not sexist for dogs, by the way.

“It was a welcome break from all the bitching and moaning at home. You know the sort of thing, ‘Did you piss by the fridge?’, ‘Don’t eat that turd’. I felt I deserved it and frankly I need another ASAP.

“I made some great friends, especially that King Charles spaniel Luna. I should send her a text. But, you know, paws.”

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Event Horizon, £65,000: Value your old VHS tapes with our over-optimistic guide

A VHS tape of Back to the Future has just sold for £8,000, which means all your unplayable old videos are worth a fortune too. Read our list while you tell you boss to stick his job up his arse.

Red Dawn. In 1984 it was considered ridiculous that high schoolers could take on the Russian army. How wrong were we. Estimated value: £19,000

The Godfather Part III. You could have had the first two good ones in your collection but instead you’ve got this. You’ve done the same thing with Highlander 2: The Quickening. Why? Estimated value: £33,000 each

Teen Wolf. After Back to the Future you assumed all Michael J Fox’s films would be amazing. Ha ha ha, that’ll learn you. Estimated value: £22,500

Shanghai Surprise. Before Madonna was making shit films with Guy Ritchie she was making them with Sean Penn. Oh Madge, you old slapper. Estimated value: £30,000 

The Terminator. The start of the franchise, without an impossibly convoluted timeline, unconvincing CGI action sequences, or Jai Courtney. Rubbish. Estimated value: £11,000

Coming to America. Forgettable comedy from when Eddie Murphy could do no wrong. He soon corrected that misconception by being arrested with a transsexual prostitute and making Norbit. Estimated value: £37,500 

Brookside: The Lost Weekend. Guns-and-gangsters video spin-off. Now as meaningless as ancient Mayan pictograms to anyone under the age of 45. Estimated value: £40,000

Ghosts of Mars. Long-forgotten sci-fi runaround on Mars featuring trains, Jason Statham and Ice Cube as a special treat. Every scene is red. And boring. Estimated value: £54,000

Citizen Kane. You still haven’t watched it. It’s about a sledge, so probably a bit like Cool Runnings. Estimated value: £28,000

Event Horizon. Ludicrously star-studded, inconclusive tale of a spaceship that goes to Hell. Might be hard to part with if you’ve been in love with Joely Richardson ever since. Estimated value: £65,000

Caddyshack. A film or a paid golfing holiday for Chevy Chase and his coked-up chums? Perhaps we will never know. Estimated value: £28,000

15 minutes of Doctor Who: Earthshock and 20 minutes of A Question of Sport. The result of setting the video recorder wrongly in 1982. Estimated value: £44,500

Total Recall. Space, guns, tits, gadgets, jokes. Basically the greatest film ever made and indeed the zenith of human civilisation. Estimated value: £19,000

Basic Instinct. You’re not sad enough to pause it at ‘that bit’, but old VHS tapes are so grainy Sharon may as well be wearing dungarees anyway. Estimated value: £37,000

La Dolce Vita. You must get past the 15-minute mark at some point. You only bought it so you could pretentiously drop Fellini into conversation, so you’ll finish watching it if it ever results in you pulling. Sound fair to you, Federico? Estimated value: £28,000

The Vicar of Dibley, The Complete Second Series. Gift from your nan. Incredibly popular but monstrously unfunny sitcom that proves the population of UK has soggy newspaper for brains. Estimated value: £47,000

I Spit on Your Grave. 80s video nasty that’s unpleasant, unwatchable and why the f**k do you even own a copy? Estimated value: £29,000

Waterworld. Set in the post-apocalyptic yeah whatever, Mad Max with gills did not turn out to be a winning formula. Estimated value: £22,500

Performance. You supposedly bought it because it’s Nicolas Roeg, but really because you felt you should have a video collection and it was only £1 in HMV. The past is a different country. Estimated value: £17,000

Gardeners’ World Guide to Fuchsias. Why on earth did you buy this? Must be one of your mum’s. Estimated value: £248,000