Hungover woman brought to tears by fridge door that won't close

A HUNGOVER woman is weeping in the kitchen because a fridge door refuses to stay shut. 

Susan Traherne spent last night celebrating the festive season with friends, including finishing a bottle of absinthe at 4am, and 12 hours later is ordering a fridge door to ‘please shut you bastard’ in a whisper.

She said: “It just won’t close. I think it hates me. It’s more than I can take.

“I think I’m going to have to have a lie down.”

She added: “I can try opening it and pushing it closed again while begging it to help me. That’s going to take all I’ve got left.

“After that I’m going to curl up under a duvet for about a year, possibly 18 months.”

Middle-class family going to Bali for Christmas admit it'll still be shite

A FAMILY heading to Bali for Christmas have admitted that they will still have a horrible time resenting each other despite the sun.

Martin Bishop, his wife Francesca and their teenage children Annabel and Marcus expect to spend 10 days sniping at each other and slamming doors, despite their proximity to white sand beaches and and sapphire-blue sea.

Francesca said: “Every year, we kid ourselves that Christmas will be marvellous if we can just escape grey Britain and the boring turkey dinner. Unfortunately, it turns out that spending time together as a family is the bit we all hate most.

“The kids will still be ungrateful little turds about their presents, even though they’ve opened them in 30 degree heat, and Francesca will still slag off my mother, even though she’s minding her own business 3,000 miles away in Kettering.

“And I will still drink too much and fall asleep after a huge lunch. In fact it will be even worse in Bali because I’ll get hideous sunburn and become dangerously dehydrated.

“Then we’ll spend the entire time until after New Year avoiding each other, wishing we were in paradise with different, better people, and secretly drinking.

“I might start the drinking now.”