Our relationship is just like Love Actually except he's a serial adulterer with four kids, says Carrie Symonds

 THE prime minister’s girlfriend has claimed their relationship is just like in Love Actually, apart from his wife and four-to-six children. 

Carrie Symonds, who has been with the prime minister since at least this year, likened the romance to Hugh Grant and Martine McCutcheon in the British rom-com, with a few minor differences.

She told the Daily Telegraph: “I’m a PR executive and she was a tea lady, so that’s one very big change.

“Technically we can’t get engaged because he’s not divorced from his wife of 25 years who he walked out on last year, leaving her with four kids. While Hugh in the movie is single.

“Neither did the Hugh character have a string of adulterous relationships, some resulting in children and others where he was only abusing the power of his office.

“Other than that it’s exactly the same as  Love Actually. He’s the nice prime minister off the telly at Christmas and our mutual devotion will last forevermore. Everything’s going to be alright.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Four lies to tell your family when they ask why you're still single

DOES your family Christmas revolve around making you feel like a freakish loner because you’re not coupled up? Here’s how to really terrify them: 

My restraining order stops me from meeting new people
Rather than admit that you haven’t met the right person yet, tell them you physically can’t meet someone because of unspecified crimes that expressly forbid you from engaging in conversation with strangers, under threat of imprisonment.

I love wild sex in dangerous places with multiple partners too much
Whether this is true or not, it will shut your nosy granny up. Unless she tells you it’s one of her favourite hobbies too, in which case Christmas will be ruined in a different way.

Dominic Raab/Julia Hartley-Brewer is already taken
Horrify your liberal family with your secret passion for right-wing hatemongers. Or if they’re that way inclined, tell them you only have eyes for James O’Brien/Rebecca Long-Bailey. They’ll choke on their mini sausage rolls and change the subject.

Because I want to concentrate on my murders
Nobody believes that you want to focus on your career, so try this. They’ll probably take it as a joke, so make it more believable by putting several rolls of gaffer tape, rope, handcuffs and a shovel on your Christmas list in advance.