Wife furious with husband for turning down sex when she came home wrecked at 3am

A WOMAN is still not speaking to her husband after he unaccountably refused sex when she came home drunk and horny at 3am. 

Joanna Kramer went out with the girls, came home stinking of alcohol and smoke, elbowed slumbering husband Matt awake and cannot believe he turned her down.

She said: “There’s something wrong with his libido. He might need to get counselling.

“I’d had a great night with the girls, we’d had an Indian then hit a nightclub where I was flirting with these 20-something lads while cadging fags, but when I swung in the bedroom singing ‘I wanna have sex on the gin’ he did not want to know.

“I was doing a sexy strip, though I did fall back against the wardrobe twice, and he was all ‘What time is it?’ and ‘I was up with Sally at one, she’d wet herself’ and ‘stop that f**king singing’.

“I tried giving him a kiss but sort of missed, and he told me to bugger off and went for a slash. It’s a bit hazy after that, but he was definitely saying no.”

Matt Kramer said: “It would have been absolutely disgusting. I’m such an idiot.”

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How to survive a packed Christmas train 

IF you’re going home for Christmas by train, it will be rammed with inconsiderate b*stards. Here’s how to get through the ordeal.

Get used to sitting on filthy floors
Psychologically prepare yourself for the leg of the journey to Didcot Parkway by practising sitting cross-legged in a disused factory thick with pigeon faeces, or a public toilet. Just try not to get done for trespassing or cottaging.

Take a shooting stick
No, not a gun, one of those walking sticks that opens up and becomes a wobbly one-legged chair. Feel like less of a twat by wearing a tweed jacket and saying, ‘Reminds you of the Glorious Twelfth, what?’

Learn gymnastics
An incredibly supple body will be helpful for wedging yourself into the gaps between other people and their massive suitcases. Try to think of it as ‘Human Tetris’.

Get smashed beforehand
High-risk strategy. On the one hand being totally pissed will make you barely aware of your journey through hell, but you could also get terminally confused and wake up in a field 300 miles from your parents’ house after a massive blackout.

Carry a chainsaw
Are you a tree surgeon having a well-deserved Christmas break, or a psychopathic dismemberer? Who can tell? Being arrested is a possibility, but people will definitely get out of your way when you need to use the toilet. You can give Uncle Alan the chainsaw as his present.