If it's mulled it barely counts as drinking, confirm scientists

YOU can drink as much booze as you like during the Christmas period as long as it has been mulled, scientists have agreed. 

Experts have confirmed that as long as a beverage has been slightly warmed and had a few spices thrown in it, it doesn’t count towards the weekly recommended limit of alcohol units.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “If your drink has a cinnamon stick and a segment of orange floating around in it, you can imbibe it with impunity.

“Mulled drinks mean we can be massive pissheads at Christmas and no one is able to criticise without coming across as a mean-spirited grinch.

“However, our researchers found that trying to drink enough heavily seasoned, sweetened wine to get truly tanked is impossible, as it tastes vile and people tend to give up after one mug.

“Therefore, we recommend mulling vodka, rum, whisky, or a combination of all three, to make sure you are able to get properly plastered.”

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People who chase up a text after five minutes told to get a f**king life

PEOPLE who text you after a few minutes to see why you have not replied to their message should piss off and get a life.

They are also advised that sending ‘Hello?’ or ‘Are you okay?’ when not receiving a reply straight away is more likely to get them no response at all.

Lucy Parry said: “I WhatsApped my mate asking if she’s all ready for Christmas but after five minutes I’d still not heard back from her.

“I left it another minute, I’m not a psycho, then sent a few polite question marks in case she didn’t get my first message. The thing is, I saw she had been on WhatsApp three minutes previously so she must have seen it.

“So then I sent her a ‘HELLO?’, then a funny gif of a fat man looking confused, then a meme of Ryan Reynolds shrugging, and a short video clip of a cat stuck on a washing line, but still no reply. It’s so weird.

“All I can think is that someone has stolen her phone and is using her WhatsApp. That must be it.”