'Keep the change' says Northerner handing over tenner for big round in London pub

A NORTHERNER generously waived what he imagined would have been his change from £10 for a round in a Covent Garden pub.

Tom Logan, 36, believed a tenner would easily cover the cost of two pints of lager and two large glasses of Chardonnay, leaving a pleasing tip or drink for the grateful barmaid.  

Logan said: “I was on a day trip down from Barnsley and got chatting to some folk at the bar, so I offered to get a round in.   

“When I flashed a whole tenner around you could tell they were impressed. So I handed over the note to the barmaid and said, ‘Have a drink yourself, love.’

“But she said, ‘That’ll be £21.50.’

“Once the shock had worn off I realised I must have been the victim of one of them grifter scams and they were all in on it. I’m lucky I didn’t wake up in a dingy hotel room with a kidney missing. 

“Naturally I scarpered. I’d have reported it to the police only they wouldn’t have believed me.”

 

Man covers every inch of toilet seat with p*ss

A MAN keeps managing to cover every single inch of the loo seat with p*ss, despite completing his potty training more than 39 years ago.

Julian Cook’s behaviour has baffled his partner Carolyn Ryan, who is unsure if he is just too lazy to put the seat up or is engaged in some sort of urine-based ‘project’. 

Ryan said: “I’m always wiping the seat. Is Julian just an inconsiderate pig or is something else going on? Maybe he can’t see all the yellow splashes. Is ‘p*ss blindness’ a thing?”

However Cook, 42, said: “Having a wee is like colouring in, or playing a computer game. My quest is to fill as much of that inviting white seat as possible. It’s a bit like Tetris.

“I actually think I might have magic wee because it always disappears right after I’ve done it. Well, after Carolyn goes in the bathroom. But same difference.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Dogs mark their territory by urinating on trees and bushes. Human males do the same on toilet seats and floors. 

“Women should take it as a compliment that their partner feels such a strong sense of belonging and commitment. But keep the Marigolds handy.”