Saturday, 7th December 2019

'Jeremy who?' says Labour in election tactics change

THE Labour party is drastically changing its election tactics by denying there is, or has ever been, any such thing as ‘Jeremy Corbyn’. 

A fortnight from polling day, Labour has confirmed that this ‘Corbyn’ their opponents keep talking about is nothing more than a viral horror story intended to scare people. 

A spokesman said: “These things get spread on social media. Slender Man. Killer clowns. Jeremy Corbyn. 

“We’re a serious political party and the nation’s only hope to stop Brexit. We’d never be run by some bristling 70s socialist who can’t even drive a car, let alone take the wheel of a country. 

“Our researchers have looked into it and apparently these stories are based on a Labour politician from 30 years ago called Michael Foot. They’ve changed the name and photoshopped in stock photos of an Inverness canal boat operator. 

“Foot was one of the least successful politicians of all time, so we’re hardly going to have someone like him in charge at such a crucial point. The whole thing’s obviously made up. 

“Who leads our party? We’re a collective. Vote for us. Please.”