Sunday, 1st November 2020

What to do if you've accidentally sh*gged one of your housemates

IF you share a house, there's a high risk of having sex with someone else who lives there, probably when you're p*ssed. Here’s how to deal with the fallout.

Pretend you were so drunk you can’t remember it

Just act totally normal, as if you definitely didn’t tell them in the throes of passion that you have an armpit-licking fetish. They’ll play along because they’ll also want to wash that memory from their traumatised brain.

Propose marriage

Perhaps a bit extreme, given that the only thing you actually have in common is a wifi password and now possibly chlamydia, but it will be less of a hassle in the long run than finding somewhere else to live, so why not give it a bash?

Do it loads more times

You know it’s a terrible idea, the rest of your housemates will resent the weird atmosphere and it’s definitely going to end in tears, but having sex with them is way easier - and cheaper - than leaving the house and meeting someone in a club.

Act so weird they decide to move out

If you don’t want to see them every day over your Shreddies, but can’t be ar*ed to move yourself, just freak them out so much that they do. Standing by their bed staring at them until they wake up should do it. Hold a knife in each hand for extra effect.

Burn the house down

The only way to ensure that you won’t have to awkwardly pass each other on the stairs ever again is to make sure the stairs don’t exist anymore. And the rest of the house for good measure.