What to do if you've accidentally sh*gged one of your housemates

IF you share a house, there’s a high risk of having sex with someone else who lives there, probably when you’re p*ssed. Here’s how to deal with the fallout.

Pretend you were so drunk you can’t remember it

Just act totally normal, as if you definitely didn’t tell them in the throes of passion that you have an armpit-licking fetish. They’ll play along because they’ll also want to wash that memory from their traumatised brain.

Propose marriage

Perhaps a bit extreme, given that the only thing you actually have in common is a wifi password and now possibly chlamydia, but it will be less of a hassle in the long run than finding somewhere else to live, so why not give it a bash?

Do it loads more times

You know it’s a terrible idea, the rest of your housemates will resent the weird atmosphere and it’s definitely going to end in tears, but having sex with them is way easier – and cheaper – than leaving the house and meeting someone in a club.

Act so weird they decide to move out

If you don’t want to see them every day over your Shreddies, but can’t be ar*ed to move yourself, just freak them out so much that they do. Standing by their bed staring at them until they wake up should do it. Hold a knife in each hand for extra effect.

Burn the house down

The only way to ensure that you won’t have to awkwardly pass each other on the stairs ever again is to make sure the stairs don’t exist anymore. And the rest of the house for good measure.

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Your guide to going into hospital when the Americans have bought it

GOING into hospital is stressful at the best of times, so what will it be like when America has bought the NHS? Here’s a practical guide.

What to take. Pack essentials like pyjamas, a toothbrush and a credit card. If you’re skint, take valuables such as jewellery and your phone that you can trade for surgery and – importantly – anaesthetic. 

What should I do when I get there? Arrive on time and check in at the loans department. Anything more serious than a sprained finger is going to cost, so make sure you have a complete set of bank statements going back three years.

Treatment options. Your consultant will outline your treatment based on your savings. You could be offered a hip replacement or a manky old chair to sit in for the rest of your life.

Be prepared for dramatic events. When US health providers take over the NHS it will become more like the TV series ER. Expect your consultant to be addicted to morphine or a helicopter to crash into your ward.

Meals. You’ll be offered a choice of healthy, nutritious meals, so it will simply be a matter of deciding whether you prefer McDonald’s or Burger King.

Emergencies. If you’re in an accident, make sure you have plenty of cash on you. The ambulance will be on the meter and may not take debit cards, and if your legs are broken you won’t be able to hop out at a cashpoint.

Aftercare. Whilst recuperating at home, an NHS staff member will visit you with application forms for a second job to pay for your care and to take away your car and telly.