How Jacob Rees-Mogg can make a comeback

BEING so evil that even Boris Johnson’s Conservatives deny you exist is not easy, but Jacob Rees-Mogg has managed it. How can he stage a comeback? 

Release an album

Everyone knows the Rees-Mogg brand, especially older people who still buy CDs. An album of ancient Greek laments could be the must-have present for the over-65s, with the mournful chants the most surprising novelty Christmas hit since LadBaby.

Reality TV

All the big shows will be clamouring for that Rees-Mogg magic, but rather than showing off his gavotte on Strictly JRM could appear on Celebrity Coach Trip with Jennifer Arcuri. The pair can bond over being used and cast aside by Boris Johnson while pootling around Portugal.

Retrain as a nurse

The Conservative promise to hire 50,000 new nurses, only 18,500 of who are already nurses, will be a tough bar to reach. Rees-Mogg could scrub up, put on the mask and offer anaesthetic-free amputations in his sawdust-floored operating theatre.

Become a gramophone DJ

Everyone’s looking for something different for their wedding, and what better than the member for North-East Somerset spinning his collection of vintage shellac 78s? Will swiftly build a hipster following and when you win the hipsters, you’ve won the nation.

Be recast with a different actor

Being played by a new actor, like Ben Mitchell on EastEnders, could rehabilitate the fake Edwardian in the public’s eyes. The obvious choice is John Cleese, who shares his air of authority and stick insect frame while being marginally less abhorrent on Brexit.

Become the bogeyman

Rees-Mogg already haunts nightmares, so why not take it up professionally? Stalking the sewers, tapping on windows and whispering insidious threats are well within his skillset.

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Corbyn not saying sorry until the Jews say sorry

CORBYN has refused to apologise for being anti-Semitic until the Jews apologise for calling him anti-Semitic. 

The obstinate Labour leader has confirmed that he will give a full and unqualified apology for all the little anti-Semitic incidents he has been caught in as soon as Britain’s Jews give him a full apology for their disgraceful slurs on his character.

He continued: “I’m not being petty but they started it.

“Yes, anti-Semitism is a terrible thing and by coincidence a lot of people I know are into it, but is it really more serious than besmirching a great anti-racist campaigner such as myself?

“All that I ask is for them to come to me, bow their heads and say ‘We’re very sorry we called you an anti-Semite, Mr Corbyn’ then I will say ‘Sorry for being one’.

“After that the matter will be laid to rest and we can get on with discussing more important issue, like library closures, NHS dentists and how awful Israel is.”