Lads' pub chat dries up after all 90s footballers named

A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter. 

The group of six men in their 20s roared through the naming of little-remembered footballers from the dawn of the Premiership era in less than two pints, leaving them hanging on the final mention of Roland Nilsson.

Julian Cook, aged 45, said: “Nothing beats the guffaws of respect around the table when you’ve shouted out a zinger like Sagi Burton.

“Sneaking in Ceri Hughes was a huge shout for me to kill the chat about Millsy’s wedding. Come on, that’s not what we’re here for lads, banter only please.

“But after lionising Steve Stone as England’s greatest player of the decade – bollocks, but good for an argument – and discussing whether Handy Andy would have made a decent manager we found conversation running dry.

“Pierre van Hooijdonk got us back on track but I was forced to bring up legends only the streets remember like Andrea Silenzi to stop us hearing a repeated name before my third Carlsberg. Maybe we alphabetise every Championship player by nickname next week?

“At least we’ve moved on from discussing our nichest Zoo magazine wanks. Temporarily. And since you ask, Michelle Marsh all bloody day.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

We ask you: has Rupert Murdoch, aged 92, finally found love?

MEDIA magnate Rupert Murdoch has never have known true love, which is why he has treated the UK so brutally. Could his sixth engagement be his last? 

Lucy Parry, student: “She’s seen beyond the surface, hasn’t she? Because he looks like a grotesquely evil, unfathomably ancient baby.”

Carolyn Ryan, management consultant: “Gosh, I can’t wait for the next season of Succession! I also say this about The Crown when anything happens with the Royals.”

Roy Hobbs, copyright lawyer: “He shouldn’t be getting hitched to an old hag of 62 when under the half-your-age-plus-seven rule he could be serving dick to a hot 54-year-old.”

Sophie Rodriguez, baker: “She’s the former wife of a Russian oil oligarch and mother of Roman Abramovich’s ex-wife, you say? Well, given the currently geopolitical climate I can’t see anything worrying about that at all.”

Susan Traherne, retired art teacher: “F**king insensitive way to tell me we were over, Rupe.”