Man extremely against pubs opening can't stop thinking about pubs

A MAN who firmly believes opening pubs would be irresponsible and dangerous cannot stop thinking about going to one. 

Nathan Muir has told friends, family and strangers that reopening pubs would be an open invitation to spread coronavirus while almost being able to feel that cold pint in his hand.

He said: “It’s a global pandemic. There are more important things than settling into that corner booth, taking that first, long sip, and exhaling with deeply felt relief.

“Even if they only open pub gardens I think we should prioritise the health of our nation above a legendary all-day session where all the cares of the world are forgotten in a haze of cider and sunshine.”

He added: “I dreamed I was in the Golden Fleece last night. Waking up hurt so much. And not in a good way, like when you’ve drank nine pints and been sick in the pub urinal.”

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Five school lessons kids can learn at Thorpe Park

WORRIED your kids will fall behind now the schools are shut? Pack them off to Thorpe Park where they’ll learn these classroom classics.

What goes up must come down

Newton’s law of universal gravitation is a bit of a chore to understand on paper. A ride on Colossus brings the theory to life because when you go round the vertical loop your lunch will rise up from your stomach and spill down your front.

How to calculate speed

A completely irrelevant skill that nobody uses in real life. Nerds can measure the length of Nemesis Inferno and divide it by the ride time if they must, meanwhile everyone else will just look it up on Wikipedia.

The power of peer pressure

An important lesson traditionally taught in the playground. Thorpe Park pushes a child’s peer pressure abilities to the limit by throwing inverted roller coasters into the mix. If they can persuade a terrified fellow student into riding Stealth they are destined for a career in something important, like politics.

Study hard or you might end up working here

Teachers are often a grim reminder of how a lack of aspiration could see you working in a stressful job that you aren’t appreciated for. Working at Thorpe Park provides a similar warning, especially when they have to mop up sick.

Life is full of misery

History lessons do their best to drive this point home, thanks to the Nazis, medieval beheadings and basically most of it. However standing in line for hours to ride The Swarm will underline the miserable futility of life in ways state education can only dream of.