Secret to happy marriage 'not being attractive to anyone else'

MOST successful marriages are the result of couples being so physically repulsive they do not have any other options, experts have confirmed.

Despite the belief that enduring partnerships are based on mutual respect and kindness, research found that marriages last because neither partner is appealing in looks, personality, or both.

Roy Hobbs, who has been married for 35 years, said: “There’s no way Susan and I would have had such a long and happy marriage if I possessed the charm, wit or oral hygiene to attract a new partner.

“I’m blessed to have enjoyed a rock-solid relationship, safe in the knowledge that the grass is not only greener, but it will also never be interested in shagging me.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Marital contentment requires the acceptance that long-term commitment is not simply a boring compromise, but the only option, given that most people lose any hint of sexiness by the age of 26.

“If you find someone who shares your love of picking your teeth and undermining others, call it love and never let them go.”

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Bear Grylls' guide to surviving the high street

HI, I’m Bear Grylls, and tomorrow I’m going to be visiting the most dangerous environment on Earth: the English high street. 

The shops are opening and I’m going all in. I need a lamp, I need a wedding outfit, I fancy a new vape and I may even browse camping equipment. Go hard or go home.

First rule is be resolute. Fannying about might kill you. Identify your purchases and get to the counter fast. Use your debit card but make sure you’ve sharpened the edge first in case you need to defend yourself.

Second, no bargain hunting. Shopping around to get the best price is for peacetime. Try that now and you’ll be mown down by a woman and her sister on their first day out since March.

Third, know your ground. Modern shopping centres are designed to disorientate. If you find yourself standing in front of Foot Locker when you wanted Lush, you’re as good as dead so memorise that map.

Fourth, be observant. If you’re behind some fussy Frank with a bag and receipts, that guy’s getting a refund for his wife. He won’t take store credit. He hasn’t got her card. Knock him unconscious with a pool ball in a sock.

Fifth, drink your own urine. No particular shopping-related reason for this one. Trust me, you’ll get a taste for it.