Man indulging hangover like pampered pet

A MAN is lavishing attention on his hangover and giving it everything it could possibly need no matter what the expense.

Beginning by getting up at 6am, without complaint, to give his hangover the pint of water and two paracetamol it was noisily demanding, Nathan Muir has made sure it wants for absolutely nothing.

Housemate Lauren Hewitt said: “He’s in his room, curtains closed, whispering ‘there, there’ to it while they gently watch old episodes of The Mandalorian together.

“There’s a note in the kitchen asking everyone to be quiet so as not to set it off. He’s hand-feeding it Monster Munch and bottled Lucozade, careful not to disturb it with bright lights or sudden movements.

“This is a man who’d rather steal napkins than buy toilet paper, but at lunchtime a Deliveroo from Greggs arrived ‘because this hangover deserves to be treated with respect’.

“He’s running a hot bath with candles and relaxing music, just to soothe the hangover. If he could give this much devotion and attention to a woman he wouldn’t have been single for six years.”

Muir said: “Treat a hangover well and it’ll treat you well. And when the moment is right, I’ll give it the ultimate reward: lager.”

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Suntanned foreigners in tropical locations dreaming of grey British summer

BRITAIN’S miserable washout summer is the envy of the world, it has emerged.

As traditional sunspots like Greece, Spain and Hawaii bake in life-endangering temperatures of 40+ degrees and are ravaged by wildfires, residents are wishing they had the UK’s forecasts of 19 degrees with a 57 per cent chance of rain.

Tourism expert James Bates said: “People from Greek islands like Skiathos are increasingly booking holidays in Doncaster, something we simply did not see two years ago.

“They read the travel brochures with their alluring promise of Doncaster’s slate-grey skies and advice to carry a flask of hot tea at all times and dream wistfully of such wonderful weather.”

Doncaster Tourist Board has been quick to encourage the trend with advertising slogans including ‘No ruddy chance of burning to death here!’ and ‘Come to Doncaster, where the sun keeps itself to itself, Yorkshire-style’. 

The result has been a boom for local businesses as Hawaiian holidaymakers flock to pubs, cinemas and kebab shops, plus a noticeable uptick in sales of Lemsip and cagoules.

Bates even believes that the recent increase in migrants arriving in small boats is due to foreigners’ envy of the British climate.

He said: “People think they’re trying to escape war and poverty, but the truth is they’re coming here to live out their fantasy of shit British weather. And who can blame them?”