Gen Z retail worker requesting a mental health day in for big surprise

A 20-YEAR-OLD shop worker is sure his request for time out to aid his mental health will get a positive reaction from his managers.

Josh Whittaker began working at a major supermarket this week, and is eager to learn about the company’s pastoral policies on wellbeing and the availability of on-site counselling. 

Whittaker said: “I asked my floor manager Emma if there was a form for when you need a mental health day, but she just laughed. 

“I explained the statistics to her, how 1 in 6.8 people experience workplace-related mental health problems and how it has been proven that companies who support their staff with these issues benefit from higher employee retention.

“At that point she called another section manager over, and they laughed too. I’m starting to suspect they don’t have a staff mental health day at all.”

Line manager Emma Bradford said: “Josh is here to work. The company cares as much about his wellbeing as we care about this tin of baked beans. Less, because we can sell the beans.

“I’m not completely unsympathetic though. I showed him the room where staff go for a little cry when things get too much. You have to choose between a cry break or a dinner break though.”

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Encouraging things to say during sex that will make you feel like a twat

DO you find it hard to know what to say during sex? Here are some phrases to make you cringe with embarrassment as soon as you’ve said them.

‘I’ll do whatever you want me to’ 

This bold, sexy promise is best saved for a long-term partner who knows you well and won’t overestimate your capabilities/gag reflex/ability to relax your sphincters on demand. This familiarity is important – the last thing you want is a new lover thinking you actually mean it. 

‘I’ve been looking forward to this all day’

Who cares if what you’ve actually been looking forward to is some microwaveable dim sum and a new episode of The Bear? Lies you tell for the purposes of sex are entirely permissible, otherwise how would any man be confident his dick is big enough?

‘This is so hot’ 

This one works particularly well if a new sex act you’ve pretended you were up for turns out not to be hot at all, certainly for you. The encouragement may hurry your partner along and the ludicrously embarrassing sexual position or whatever can quietly be forgotten about next time.

‘I could do this all night’ 

Only attempt this one if you’re a good enough actor to pull it off, particularly if you’re engaged in a never-ending oral sex session. If a male partner says it to you after he’s already spent half an hour searching in vain for your G-spot, resist the urge for a brilliantly sarky comeback: ‘Yeah, and you still wouldn’t find it.’ 

‘You love it’

The key with this kind of leap of faith is to stick to statements not questions. If everything is tickety-boo as far as you can tell, why invite doubt? If you ask a woman ‘Am I making you cum?’ or ’Is my cock hard enough for you?’ you’re only encouraging her to think objectively about those questions, and the truth can hurt.