HIGH drama in other people’s lives is the best kind of drama, and nothing could be more delectable than to see these terrible, life-ruining, incredibly entertaining events in the flesh:
An actual altar jilting
The bride is late. People joke about cold feet. Time passes. Tension builds. The groom’s mother snaps; she always knew that hussy wasn’t right for her Steve. Steve is crying. You’re buzzing with the thrill, though masking it with an expression of solemn shock. Then get to have a big do without all those boring speeches.
A public proposal being turned down
You’re out for a meal with your long-term partner. The uncomfortable silence you’ve spent years perfecting is shattered by a mariachi band. An over-confident twat gets down on one knee, proposes to his girlfriend, and is brutally, deliciously rejected. You’re both so aroused on by the spectacle of a young life destroyed you rush straight home and have sex.
‘You can stick your f**king job up your f**king arse’
Your boss is a nasty wanker, but nobody stands up to him. Until Nathan dispenses with his usual inaudible muttering and hurls his laptop across the room. Everyone inwardly cheers as he screams at the gaffer to piss off. Nathan then storms out of the building, triumphant, unemployed, and facing a future of home repossession, divorce, and alcoholism.
‘I’m your long-lost son’
Oh, the look on your smug childless mate’s face when there’s a knock on the door and a seven-year-old announces he is his long-lost child. Serves Martin right for doing better than you with women when you used to go on the pull. As his life is upended, you gleefully send him an invite to a three-hour soft play party next Saturday.
‘It’s not yours’
Every midwife’s dream. The monotony of childbirth broken up by a baby emerging which shares zero DNA with the supposed father. Still high on gas and air, mum confesses. The most important birth here is that of an anecdote for the ages. Even the consultant obstetrician pops in to sample the unforgettable atmosphere.
Interrupting a stationery cupboard liaison
In a lifetime of work, the most thrilling incident was when the vending machine spent eight hours dispensing free mint Aeros. So the exhilaration of popping for a ream of A4 to discover Jason and Katie banging against the shelving is unsurpassed. Invading their privacy only with a short video, you’re still high on it as you reluctantly email HR.
A drugs bust
Nothing would liven up Simon and Helen’s dinner party more than a smashed-down front door and urgent commands to ‘Get down!’ Being there, in person, as their terrazzo-tiled kitchen floor is pulled up to reveal five kilos of uncut cocaine? And you were sitting there talking about catchment areas over hummus and Jerusalem bagels.
