Maverick, and four other phrases arseholes use to describe themselves

UNFORTUNATE enough to meet someone who describes themselves using these phrases? Be aware they’re basically just synonyms for ‘total prick’:

Disruptor

This person believes themselves to a Silicon Valley tech guru when, in reality, they work in IT for Homebase. They will prattle on about how a minor change they’re going to make to how tiles are categorised on the website is going to revolutionise the world.

Free thinker

Anyone describing themselves this way is also usually guilty of using the phrase ‘sheeple’. They imagine that they’ve seen through the the shadowy constructs of reality, when actually all they’ve done is watched a YouTube video featuring an emotionally unhinged American complaining about losing a fight on Twitter.

Maverick

Only a truly weapons-grade bellend would sincerely call themselves this, and it’s typically used by office workers who think they’re too creative for the corporate world. However, their idea of not playing by the rules usually just amounts to occasionally taking an extra 15 minutes at lunch or putting their feet up in meetings when there’s no boss there.

Rockstar

This is usually used by someone trying to add an entirely unwarranted degree of mystique and glamour to their job. If anyone describes themselves as an ‘accountancy rockstar’, you’ll know that they are a wildly deluded prick.

Ideas man

Everyone has ideas, it’s one of the basic indications that you are a living, sentient human. This phrase is most frequently heard when the person is forced to defend a thoroughly stupid suggestion about reorganising petty cash, and will insist, ‘Look, I’m just an ideas man’. Yes you are, and they are all bad ideas.

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Five horror films that are laughable now

THEY terrified you as a child, but rewatching them you’re more likely to piss yourself laughing. These chillers have failed the test of time:

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

The 00s popularisation of fast zombies has made this movie look ludicrous in hindsight. Being pursued by some gently shuffling reanimated corpses, who could be evaded by maybe going up some stairs, is a far less scary prospect now than it was in the 1960s. It’s almost as if these zombies didn’t want your brains.

Jaws (1975)

Admittedly, some people may still find this film scary, though only if they have a phobia of very large fake sharks made of rubber. Unless you have an allergy to latex, there’s very little you have to fear from this one. It’s safe to get back in the water.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

Aliens invade earth and start to create duplicate pod versions of people whenever they fall asleep. Unfortunately watching a character’s eyes get a bit heavy before they drift off for a nap doesn’t really carry the high intensity drama and gore expected from modern horror.

Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

The outlandish special effects have ensured that Freddy Krueger’s debut has aged terribly. Seeing a small double bed turn into a blood geyser as it eats a high school kid is cringeingly ludicrous. The scariest thing about this film, in hindsight, is Mr Krueger’s insistence on matching a snappy fedora with a grungy striped jumper.

Nosferatu (1922)

While the sight of a spectacularly odd-looking bald man who lives in ostentatious surroundings acting creepily toward women may have scared people in the 1920s, we have Vladimir Putin for that now. Unfortunately after watching the Saw series, watching someone potter around an old castle wearing finger extensions is a pretty underwhelming and only reminds you to call your nan.

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