'Small human' and other nicknames twats give their kids

YES, they are technically humans who are small, but it’s still a bloody stupid and twee thing to call kids. Here are the most annoying nicknames for children used by parents.

Small human

Funnily enough, if you described a woman’s baby as small when it was leaving her birth canal, you’d be making a trip to the emergency room to treat the pummelling she’d give you. This irony is lost on dads, who universally agree that their human child is indeed very small and don’t get what all the pregnancy fuss was about.

Junior

Hard to tell if this is a self-aware throwback to the clean-cut families of old American sitcoms, or if the parents in question are just mindlessly taking all their behavioural cues from TV. Regardless, remember that giving your child an identical name to your own so they have to be differentiated in another way is weird.

The clan

Traditionally used by middle class parents to describe the horde of children they spawned before stopping because they felt guilty about the environmental impact. Far from being the rabble they picture them to be, these children are unnervingly smart and correct your grammar for fun. A more accurate name would be the Midwich Cuckoos.

Little devils

Usually said by parents with great amusement after their child has done something endearingly mischievous like knocking their plate off the table. After years of this wanton destruction it will be changed to the entirely more fitting upgrade ‘little shits’, which will be snarled with nihilistic despair.

The heir and the spare

Pity the kids who hear these. The eldest will feel immense pressure to live up to expectations, while the youngest will have a void where their youthful zest for life should be. Each will go off the rails in unique but spectacular ways when they grow up, which will lead to their parents creating new and equally devastating pet names, like ‘f**king nightmare’.

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Accidentally staying up doing f**k all until 1am again: a guide

DO you often have good intentions of getting an early night and instead find yourself mindlessly scrolling through your phone at 1.27am? Here’s how it happens.

8pm

You’ve finished dinner, done the washing up, and have your sights set on reading for a couple of hours before getting an early night. In fact, you’ve been so diligent today, why not reward yourself with a glass of wine?

9pm

Okay, so you’ve finished two glasses of wine and are halfway through an episode of Line of Duty, but there’s still plenty of time to get some reading done after. Although your increasingly wine-addled brain is finding it difficult to follow exactly what’s going on in the show.

10pm

You’ve spent the best part of an hour trawling through Line of Duty plot summaries trying to remember how everything fits into the previous series. Your book is going to keep gathering dust for another night, but hey, Wikipedia counts as reading, right? May as well finish the last of the wine in the bottle anyway.

11pm

A query you posted in your building’s WhatsApp group about recycling has snowballed into a heated debate on mask-wearing. You’ve said some pretty unsavoury things to Mr Pearson on the third floor that you’ll regret when the wine wears off. But why are you so hungry all of a sudden?

Midnight

You’ve finally made it to bed, but not before fixing yourself a massive sandwich to take with you. You’re filled with regret and copious amounts of wafer thin ham, and are far too full to fall asleep now, and far too pissed to even think about reading.

1am

You look up from your phone, where you’ve been watching YouTube compilation videos of dogs falling into swimming pools, to see the clock reading 1am. You have failed, yet again, to have a responsible evening. Still, there’s always tomorrow.