Pub, think men

MEN across the UK are living on autopilot this weekend while thinking only ‘pub’, they have confirmed. 

With pubs set to open on Monday, males aged between approximately 18 and 80 are watching TV, mowing the lawn and playing with their kids while entirely focused on pub.

47-year-old Nathan Muir said: “Pub. Pub pub pub. Pub, pub pub, pub pub. Sorry, I’m doing it again aren’t I?

“That’s just my internal monologue. In fact I meant to say something that was relevant to what you’ve been talking about, which I was definitely listening to.

“I’m sorry. It’s just the winter, and being trapped in the house, and working on my laptop in the bedroom when I’m not downstairs homeschooling the kids, and nothing to do at weekends except a shitty walk, and now, finally, after all that, pub.

“Just that moment when I sit down and order and they bring me a freshly-pulled pint and I stare into its golden depths, and all time melts away, replaced by the eternal sunny afternoon of the pub.

“And then I’ll have another six pints and get absolutely wankered.”

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Geordies march north to take Edinburgh while it's dukeless

THE city of Newcastle has assembled an army to march north and annexe Edinburgh while it is dukeless and defenceless. 

Following the death of the Duke of Edinburgh, who had previously protected the city with his legions, the Toon Army hope to take the city by storm.

Lieutenant-general Steve Malley said: “Howay lads, now’s our chance. Let’s get ourselves an arts festival.

“The only thing stopping us taking the jewel in the Jock’s crown all the years has been the Duke inspiring that drunken rabble to form an effective fighting force.

“With their commander gone, and the continued integrity of his awards system in doubt, we can take the whole city and erect a Newcastle flag high on Arthur’s Seat before they even know what’s hit them.”

The expected conflict follows the abandonment of Sussex by its Duke for a life in exile in California, its invasion by the Duke of Cambridge’s forces, and the subsequent reign of terror of the cruel Kate, Princess of Knives.