MEN across the UK are living on autopilot this weekend while thinking only ‘pub’, they have confirmed.
With pubs set to open on Monday, males aged between approximately 18 and 80 are watching TV, mowing the lawn and playing with their kids while entirely focused on pub.
47-year-old Nathan Muir said: “Pub. Pub pub pub. Pub, pub pub, pub pub. Sorry, I’m doing it again aren’t I?
“That’s just my internal monologue. In fact I meant to say something that was relevant to what you’ve been talking about, which I was definitely listening to.
“I’m sorry. It’s just the winter, and being trapped in the house, and working on my laptop in the bedroom when I’m not downstairs homeschooling the kids, and nothing to do at weekends except a shitty walk, and now, finally, after all that, pub.
“Just that moment when I sit down and order and they bring me a freshly-pulled pint and I stare into its golden depths, and all time melts away, replaced by the eternal sunny afternoon of the pub.
“And then I’ll have another six pints and get absolutely wankered.”