Men preparing to pretend to enjoy whisky

MEN across the UK are bracing themselves for pretending to savour a single malt whisky this week.

Males aged 16 upwards know that at some point a friend or family member will say something cringey like ‘Let’s have a wee dram’, followed by being made to ingest an eye-watering foul-tasting fluid.

Tom Logan of Hereford said: “We’re bound to end up at Gav’s one evening and he’ll say ‘Let’s get out the quality stuff’, like he’s a wealthy whisky connoisseur, not a skint 31-year-old who still scrounges money off his parents.

“Nonetheless it will be a fairly pricey bottle of Glenfiddich or similar. Gav will make a big deal of pouring a few glasses with religious reverence and pretentiously sniffing the toxic brew.

“Eventually we’ll have to drink it. The first sip will set my mouth on fire. Then the intense, scorching flavour, like waste from a battery factory, will burn my gums and taste buds causing permanent damage.

“Shamefully, instead of saying ‘This hurts, can I have a beer?’ we’ll all pretend to be really enjoying it like the weak, spineless excuses for men that we are.

“I’m going to say something like ‘Mmm, there’s a real peaty flavour, but almost a hint of vanilla too.’ I am pathetic.”

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Man looking forward to seeing what he got his mum for Christmas

A MAN will see his mother’s face light up at his present to her at the same time as he finds out what that present is, having delegated all present-buying to his wife.

Steve Malley of Reading refused to spoil the surprise by letting wife Sophie pay for the presents on his debit card, instead transferring a lump sum into her account when she has finished.

He said: “I’m full of anticipation. Sophie loves shopping and I like watching Jamie Oliver on TV with a beer in my hand, so it’s about division of labour, really.

“I just need to hide my surprise better, after last year when I kept peering over people’s shoulders and going, “Oh, that looks nice, what does it do?

“She asked me what my sister liked and I said ‘Meh, I dunno,’ so it’s not like I haven’t played my part. Fingers crossed!”

Wife Sophie said: “Why would I mind? It’s only an extra seven people, and it’s a joy to shop for someone who called me a ‘slutty little piece’ at my own wedding.

“Steve’s mum and sister are hateful people. I buy them cheap crap, pocket the profit and they blame him for it. Everyone wins.”