STUCK in for Christmas just like everyone else? Driven by the overwhelming need to feel in some way superior? Get down to Marks and Sparks for your big shop:
Have your Daily Mail ready
A copy of Britain’s most politely bigoted newspaper tucked under your arm not only sends the right smug signals, it doubles up as a weapon. Roll up and slam into the throat of any 80-year-old woman trying to reach the blanched sprouts before you do. Telegraph or Times also acceptable, but not the Express.
Don’t forget the essentials
Grab every pre-packaged, pre-chopped vegetable under the sun, stack a pyramid of profiteroles higher than a toddler, get tubs of chilled sauces, then pretend to every dim twat around the dinner table you made the lot. Whenever they say ‘divine roasties’ pat yourself on the back for spaffing £300 on one dinner.
Extras make the meal
Not just extra dishes, but extra adjectives. Honey-roast chantenay carrots for your irritatingly vegan daughter, smoked Atlantic salmon on buckwheat blinis for your brother-in-law, and what’s Christmas without a succulent Queen Bess five-bird roast?
Swoop on bargains
Just because you’re wilfully spending twice as much on food as you have to doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy discounts. When the shellfish platter’s reduced to £38, get both elbows in there and fight to the death. You’re not just any vulture, you’re an M&S vulture.
Blame any problems on staff
If anything goes wrong, find the closest innocent shelf-stacker risking their life for your retail experience and go in hard. After all, the absence of pigs-in-blankets at 4pm on Christmas Eve is a personal fault of theirs, and what is their purpose if not to be berated?