Britain divided between people who hate family Christmases and idiots

THE UK is divided 50-50 between people who would prefer to spend Christmas day alone or with trusted friends, and idiots who thrive on the stress the day brings.

Tom Logan believes the civil relationship he enjoys with his family is due to not having spent Christmas with them in 12 years.

Logan said: “I don’t want to be force-fed loads of food that’ll be lodged in my intestine for months, or be goaded by my Brexiter brother-in-law after he’s drunk on a whole glass of wine.

“So my wife and I don’t see them. We eat a pizza for Christmas lunch and then spend the day watching telly with no one trying to force us into playing a game of Trivial Pursuit that was purchased in 1986. It’s bliss.”

Logan’s brother-in-law Roy Hobbs said: “We do Christmas properly. Massive lunch that takes hours to prepare and 15 minutes to eat, too much booze and everyone forced to stand for the national anthem after the Queen’s Speech.

“It’s a shame Tom doesn’t come anymore as the day just isn’t the same without a blazing row about politics that leaves someone crying.”

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People swap food bank vouchers for drugs, and other bullshit idiots believe

BRITONS will believe any old shite that fits their prejudices. Watch out for these examples of spurious bollocks:

People sell food bank vouchers for drugs

The country is facing the biggest economic and social crisis since the Second World War, with thousands of families left struggling to survive day-to-day. But a taxi driver told your neighbours’ auntie that he once took somebody to a food bank and then dropped them off outside some dodgy flats, so it must be true.

Facebook is your friend

It’s great to see what people you used to work with 20 years ago are pretending to be up to. What a marvellous invention, despite your data and movements being used to build a picture of your life so detailed even Big Brother from Nineteen Eighty-Four would say ‘Come on, leave them some privacy.’

Britain is an important player on the international stage

Given the catastrophic handling of the coronavirus pandemic, the alienation of America’s president-elect before he even came to power and Brexit leaving us with trade deals only with Benin and Andorra, it’s odd that we hold onto this delusion, but we do.

Immigration is bad

All these people coming over here, keen to do the hard but vital jobs most native Brits don’t want to do or the complicated and life-saving jobs not enough of us are qualified for is a real problem. Making it harder is definitely a good idea and not a massive act of self-sabotage.

The Strictly results show is live on a Sunday

Claudia, Tess and the judges are in different clothes. And the stars always say ‘last night’ when talking about their dance! Cling to the delusion, fools.