Missing cat actually on four-day bender

A CAT thought to be missing has actually just been pissing it up with his mates for the last four days.

Tabby Martin Bishop was last seen in his owners’ garden before disappearing over the back wall for a mental drinking session starting at the local cat pub.

Bishop said: “It was Saturday night so I fancied a few bevvies with my mates. Unfortunately we went back to Jeff’s and he got the whisky out and that’s where it all went a bit Pete Tong.

“I came to in the early hours of Monday in a part of town I didn’t recognise the smell of, although my nose may have been fucked because I remember doing loads of lines of catnip.

“Me and Gav decided to give it a couple of hours until the cat Wetherspoons opened. I thought a few bowls of milk would sort me out but we got onto the cheap lager then suddenly it’s Wednesday morning.”

Bishop’s owner Nikki Hollis said: “We were so worried. We thought he’d been run over or a fox had got him, but now it turns out he’s got a binge-drinking problem.”

Bishop retorted: “They had my bollocks cut off and they wonder why I drink.”

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Wetherspoon-McDonald's strike 'will vastly improve Britain'

A THREATENED joint Wetherspoon-McDonald’s strike could make the UK a decent place to live, experts have warned.

Sociologists believe industrial action by staff at the bottom-feeding chains could revitalise the high street, reduce alcoholism and tackle Britain’s obesity crisis.

Dr Helen Archer said: “The twin pillars that broken Britain is built on are cheap booze and greasy, horrible food. Take those away and our dystopia collapses into something altogether more pleasant.

“Without a shit pub in every town in the land, daytime drinkers will get jobs for something to do. Without a McDonald’s to inflate our children like balloons, society will become steadily healthier.

“Pressure on the NHS will fall. The EU, recognising that we no longer have pubs full of red-faced men talking bollocks about it, will give us a favourable deal on our terms.

“These noble strikers will make us a green and pleasant land once again. They are Britain’s heroes, like Sir Galahad but with deep fat fryers instead of swords.”

Wetherspoons chef Wayne Hayes said: “Yeah. However that all depends on me not getting an extra 20p an hour.”