Public urged to let Bert and Ernie come out in their own time

THE public has been told to stop pressuring Bert and Ernie to come out as gay before they are ready.

After fresh speculation about their sexuality, the makers of Sesame Street have asked everyone to respect the privacy of the clearly gay Muppet couple.

A spokesman said: “Bert and Ernie are from a different generation and it may take them a bit more time to realise their love will be accepted and celebrated.

“In the 1970s gay Muppets faced appalling prejudice. I’ll never forget the time Fozzie Bear got drunk and called Bert a ‘fag’ to his face. Ernie laid him out with one punch. It was a horrible incident.

“So will everyone stop trying to ‘out’ them and just go along with the story they tell their families that they’re just ‘best friends and roommates’.”

Bert said: “I’ve no idea why these rumours are so persistent when we’re just two male puppets who’ve lived together their entire lives and are constantly touching and cuddling.”

Ernie added: “We’re not in denial. Just because we have passionate Muppet sex every night doesn’t mean we’re gay.”

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The Waitrose shopper's guide to poor people's supermarkets

BUDGET supermarkets offer wonderful bargains, but how can a refined Waitrose shopper like you survive the whole ghastly experience? Read our guide.

Disguise yourself as a common person

A tracksuit is ideal to avoid drawing attention to yourself. Also blend in by using coarse working-class language, eg. “Blimey guvnah, where’s the ruddy fucking clingfilm?”

‘Hoodies’ (a type of plebeian hooded sports garment) are particularly useful to hide your face if Petra and Toby from the tennis club are there doing the same thing.

Be prepared for the frightful mess

Poor people’s supermarkets sometimes display their goods in a scruffy, haphazard way. Try to imagine you’re visiting a culturally enriching Third World street market during a luxury holiday.

Take a weapon to protect against footpads

The lower orders are genetically inclined to criminality and may attempt to rob you of your purse, Ugg boots or remarkably cheap wild boar pate. Take a weapon, perhaps a squash racquet or ideally a blunderbuss loaded with washers and screws.

Do not be tempted by working-class items

Stay focused on quality items such as smoked salmon and do not be drawn to Pot Noodles or Angel Delight. They may appear delightfully ironic or nostalgic, but when you get them home you’ll realise they are actually pretty horrible.

Worse still, you could develop an addiction to an abomination like ‘Cheestrings’, at which point you may as well return your Waitrose loyalty card and become a council road sweeper.

Keep the Volvo’s engine running

If you’re ‘rumbled’ the peasant horde may attempt to abduct you for ransom, or possibly food. Have a friend or partner waiting in the Volvo ready to hare off when you shout “GO GO GO, TRISTRAM!”.