Passengers facing eight-hour queues for airport pubs

TRAVELLERS arriving at airports are facing queues of up to eight hours to get served at airport pubs, they have complained. 

A perfect storm of half-term holidays, Jubilee celebrations and staff shortages have resulted in passengers queuing overnight to get a pint at 6am.

Bill McKay, at Birmingham Airport, said: “Check-in went smoothly enough so I thought the news was exaggerating. Then I saw the line of people waiting for Wetherspoons and my heart dropped.

“I’ve been planning this pint since mid-2020, through two lockdowns, so nothing was going to stop me getting it. But it took six hours before I got my much-needed Stella.

“Some people had ordered eight at once and were so paralytic they were sleeping on luggage racks. Children were crying, flights were being cancelled and there were no staff anywhere to threaten to punch.

“We still got our plane because I insisted on turning up four days earlier. Otherwise I might be arriving in Menorca stone cold bloody sober.”

EasyJet passenger Mary Fisher said: “My holiday’s been completely ruined by rip-off prices, shambolic organisation, and terrible service. Which always happens, but usually I’m at least drunk.”

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Man enters bargaining stage of hair loss

A MAN with thinning hair has moved through the denial and anger stages and is now attempting to bargain with the cosmos.

Stephen Malley, aged 44, first noticed the light bouncing off his scalp in October and immediately plunged into denial, convincing himself it was merely bad lighting and seeking out mirrors that would not lie to him.

That turned to rage as he ranted about the unfairness of it, particularly focusing on those friends yet to lose a single hair and his desire to rip their hair out and take it for his own.

Malley has now slipped into bargaining, and said: “Okay, this is happening. And I’ve decided I’ll do anything to stop it and reverse this effect. And there definitely is a way to do that, right?

“Whether I have to change my diet or stop drinking or buy that caffine shampoo that I always sneered as a last, desperate hope of the balding, I’ll do it. But not one more strand can go. That’s the deal.

“Please, please, let this work. I can’t even grow a beard to make baldness look like an intentional hipster choice. Not that anyone ever believes it’s a choice.”

Wife Kelly Malley said: “It’s depression next, then acceptance. Meanwhile I’ve got a whole menopause to go through so forgive me if I’m not too f**king sympathetic.”