Next nostalgic Tory policy is bringing back food rationing

AFTER the Boomer-delighting return to imperial weights and measures the government plans to bring back good old food rationing. 

The return to the happy wartime system of showing your ration book to obtain sugar, butter, flour and other consumer goods will be brought in after Jubilee celebrations while the country is drunk on patriotism.

A Home Office source said: “The cameraderie of queuing along ruined streets, wearing a floral pinafore, clutching a voucher for a half-pound of lard, is exactly what Britain needs right now. And food.

“We’re also a bit short on that, so for once pushing all our aged voters wartime nostalgia buttons and sensible policy line up perfectly.

“Clearly we’re onto something here, so next month we shall be re-introducing housewives scrubbing front steps, sparrows that peck through the foil lids of milk bottles, and also send your children to the train stations. They’re needed in the countryside, to work.”

Margaret Gerving, aged 79, said: “Rationing was our finest hour. We lost the weak to rickets, lost the empire to foreigners and were all one big, happy, hungry family.

“Also I think the government should bomb major cities and draft the young.”

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Islands In The Stream: the songs twat couples call 'their song'

DOES a generic love song made to shift units adequately describe your devoted relationship? Is it one of these? 

God Only Knows by The Beach Boys

One of the greatest love songs ever written, and what moved Brian Wilson to write it? The ill-advised fling you had with the colleague you shagged in the disabled bathroom of a karaoke bar after a work party? Which got you pregnant and now you’re married? Yes, your love born of rutting against an ability-assistance handrail was Wilson’s muse.

Islands In The Stream by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton

Openly inspired by you and your underwhelming boyfriend Jake, who’s the weekend manager of Sainsbury’s Local in Solihull. Your tepid mismatched love will forever have this as a song because it was on when you first snogged him when the boy you liked got off with your mate.

I Want to Know What Love Is by Foreigner

Self-evidently the spiritual anthem of virgins everywhere, you and your wife have co-opted this song to describe your bleak marriage. Works if you define ‘love’ as ‘silently watching recorded episodes of The Chase after spending 20 arguing about the recycling.’

You’re Beautiful by James Blunt

What are the odds that one song could perfectly express that you find your partner broadly sexually appealing? It’s such a unique opinion for anyone in a relationship to hold. Amazing that James Blunt came up with a song which so perfectly encapsulates such profoundly original feelings.

Perfect by Ed Sheeran

Read the lyrics to this and try and spot a cliche. You can’t. From dancing in the dark barefoot on the grass to ‘she shares my dreams’ to ‘now I know I have met an angel’, it’s groundbreaking and it belongs to you and Charlie. Until you find out about her affair with Jordan at crossfit and they have it as their song instead.