Neighbours who f**king hate each other holding Jubilee street party

A GROUP of neighbours who loathe one another are holding a Jubilee street party out of spite.

Residents on a Colchester housing estate have been locked in an intricate network of bitter feuds for years, and are going ahead with a massive public get-together celebrating the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee as an act of warfare.

Mary Fisher of 34 Snowberry Grove said: “The local Facebook group is all sunshine and happiness, with an unignorable subtext of 45-year grudges and deep-seated hatred.

“When the idea for a street party was first floated by that twat in number 12 nobody wanted to back down. Instead we escalated the conflict with the threat of bunting, cakes, and long trestle tables to sit around despising one another.

“The bitchfest of the century is on. Come the day we’ll all be snidely remarking on each other’s tacky outfits and OTT patriotism. It’ll be like clapping for the NHS all over again.”

Martin Bishop of number 12 said: “Once the party is in full swing I’m going to make a noise complaint to the police. Watching them pack up early and head indoors will be the highlight of my year.

“Serve them right for laughing at my mum’s fairy cakes at the Silver Jubilee. Well who’s laughing now?”

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Immature 30-year-old treated as sage elder on TikTok

A MILLENNIAL woman relatively immature for her age has found herself elevated to the position of wise, venerable matriarch since joining TikTok.

Hannah Tomlinson, who still sleeps with a teddy and lives with her mum, loaded up the app to discover that not knowing every member of BTS qualifies her as a senior member of society who can provide homespun wisdom.

Hannah said: “I’m usually like ‘Adulting! Urgh!’ But on here I’m a grizzled veteran of life because I know what people actually do in office jobs.

“It’s great. Nothing makes you feel more like a serious, responsible adult than a 13-year-old who thinks the Gulf War were a metal band making a video of the worst political takes you’ve ever seen.

“On here I’m not a complete mess for getting fired three times in a month. I’m not an idiot for dumping a boyfriend who lied about being a Libra. I’m a positive example and inspiring just for crying to Billie Eilish.

“Yes they think I’m hideously old, and an 18-year-old boy asked if I’d ever have sex again now I’ve become a menopause, but on those days I hit Facebook, watch my aunts share Minions memes and I’m young again.”

15-year-old Hannah Tomlinson said: “Yeah, she’s this ancient stone head that speaks truth. She’s lived so long our future is her past. It’s well cringe.”