Pints actually quite a large amount of drink

A WHOLE pint is actually a rather large quantity of fluid to drink multiple times an evening, it has been confirmed.

Having got used to drinking cans and bottles in the park, Britons returning to the pub are discovering that even a single pint is in fact an excessive amount of beer to knock back.

Pub-goer Ryan Whittaker said: “When the barman used all his strength to plonk down my 568ml drink I thought there must be some mistake. Had he grabbed a massive novelty glass by accident, I wondered. Apparently not.

“I dutifully sipped away, thinking it was probably less intimidating than it looked. But after 20 minutes I was barely halfway through.

“In a desperate attempt to keep up I tried to quickly down the rest, feeling more nauseous and overwhelmed all the time. Finally, I set down my empty glass and the relief crashed over me.

“Then my friend instantly ordered another round and the ordeal started all over again.”

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'You're fat now, buy accordingly' say clothes shops

CLOTHING shops have reminded all their customers that they are now fat bastards so should buy their clothes accordingly.

Branches of Burton, New Look and Jigsaw around the UK have added signage including ‘Size 10? Piss off’ and ‘Add another couple of Xs to that L, you porky f**ker’.

Helen Archer, manager of Karen Millen in Manchester, said: “There’s no point beating about the bush. Our customers are corpulent, disgusting pigs.

“We’re wasting valuable retail time letting them come in and slowly reach the horrible conclusion that they’ve put on four stone, not to mention all the burst buttons and twisted zips.

“So instead we’re telling people upfront. An assistant asks what size they take, then laughs and redirects them to the racks selling tent-like clothing to cover their shameful obesity.

“There’s lots of weeping but turnover’s brisk because they haven’t got any choice. None of their old clothes fit them anymore. They’re even bursting out of their shoes.”

Tom Booker said: “It was something of a wrench to discover I take a 40-inch waist. But the assistant flirted because apparently I’m one of the slim ones.”