Plan to only drink half the bottle of wine flawed at best

A PLAN to just have one glass from a lunchtime bottle of wine was flawed in conception and wholly unachievable in reality, a couple has confirmed. 

Martin Bishop and Emma Bradford opened the bottle of rosé with a wildly ambitious programme of just having a single glass each.

Bradford said: “It’s school holidays, I’ve got two weeks off, Martin’s only part-time at the moment, so I suggested we just indulge ourselves with a lunchtime glass.

“It really went down well. Better than I expected. And when I got up to put it back in the fridge, not intending to for one moment, Martin thankfully said ‘Just one more?’

“Obviously, which the plan didn’t take into account, there’s no sense putting a bottle back in when there’s only a third remaining, so we tidied it up by finishing it. And I put another in to cool for later. Tactically, that was disastrous.

“At 4pm, when I had to send Martin to the off-licence and the chippie because no way was I cooking, I kept muttering ‘But this wasn’t in the plan!’ to calm my thumping head.”

Bishop said: “I think maybe the plan was nothing more than ‘Shall we have a glass of wine?’ being far more acceptable then ‘Shall we drink that bottle of wine?’ all along.”

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Five simple weeknight meals that will end up taking four to five hours

IT’S another dispiriting working week, but don’t just shove a ready meal down and watch telly. These deceptively simple recipes will swallow the whole evening:

Chicken stir-fry

A delicious stalwart from youth, when you had f**k all to do. By the time you’ve chopped ingredients, cooked the chicken and washed up the massive wok it will be coming up to 9.30pm. And plenty of cold, damp, flavourless leftovers tomorrow.

Cheesy pasta bake

Ever wanted to cook the same pasta twice? This one’s for you. Grate a whole block of Cathedral City, pour cooked penne into a casserole dish and leave it in the oven for God knows how long. Your shop-bought garlic bread will be done in fifteen minutes, so you’ll stuff the lot then be full.

Jacket potato

Your mum taught you to save hassle by starting the potato off in the microwave, winning back five whole minutes of evening. Whack in oven for two further hours ready for a delicious, hearty meal that tastes just like it did in your school canteen.

Thai green curry

How does rice take so f**king long? It’s tiny. Maybe you messed up the ratio of grains to water, but leaving the rice until last ‘while the curry simmers’ will add an hour to your cooking time and probably also rekindle a long-standing marital argument about time management.

Chilli con carne

Jesus Christ, how basic can you get? It’s just meat, beans and a packet of Schwartz chilli powder. All you had to do was chop an onion, but it leaves you weeping uncontrollably when you remember that you have to be up at 7am tomorrow and this is just your life now. It’ll soon be weekend again and you can order a takeaway.