The suited-and-booted wanker's guide to getting a job

TIMES are tough, but coronavirus needn’t stop you finding a job. Here recruitment consultant and professional bullshitter Josh Hudson explains how to succeed.

Look the part

Dress like David Beckham visiting the Palace, or if you’re a bird, one of the gobby cows off The Apprentice. Also exude mindless self-confidence. This in no way proves you’ll be good at a job, but it works for estate agents and most sales dickheads.

Adopt a fraudulent interview persona

Everyone bigs themselves up in interviews, but real winners do nothing but lie. You’re the hardest worker on the planet, you completely reorganised every team you’ve ever worked in, you’re the best friend a co-worker could ever have. When they realise you’re a sneering, lazy bastard who reads footie websites all day it will be too late.

Choose a career that is actually detrimental to society

Certain jobs are largely recession and coronavirus-proof. Pursue a career such as property developer, online betting client manager or anything to do with payday loans. Paramedics and teachers will get fired; you never will. Mugs.

Have a solid line in bullshit

Do you occasionally stop making inappropriate remarks to the work experience girl to check your emails and make a phone call? You are ‘actioning strategies in a fast-paced multi-platform environment’. And you are, of course, ‘across it’.

Be much worse at your job than you implied

Really talk the talk even if you’re missing targets hopelessly. Just sounding as if you know what you’re doing will suffice for most pointless jobs. But for Christ’s sake don’t apply for ones where your incompetence will quickly become apparent, eg heart surgeon or prime minister.

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Prince Andrew 'had lovely view of Royal wedding from his tower'

THE Duke of York has confirmed that he enjoyed an absolutely fantastic aerial view of his daughter’s wedding from his tower. 

Prince Andrew was so proud to watch his daughter Beatrice get married on Friday from his original stone one-room apartment in the Round Tower at Windsor Castle and believes when the wind was in the right direction she may have heard him shout his blessings.

He continued: “Of course I was there. I had the best seat in the house. You don’t miss a thing from 210 feet up, believe me.

“I couldn’t see into the actual chapel but I saw them come out and I was clapping and cheering like billy-o. Proudest day of my life.

“The bars are really very generously spaced so there was nothing blocking the view, and what a spectacle. I think every father should see his little girl get married from above. It’s a revelation.

“And afterwards, my butler – not the usual butler, my new chap from Special Branch who stops me wandering about willy-nilly – brought me a slice of cake and a glass of champers on my meal tray. What an incredible occasion.”

He added: “It made a nice change from Pizza Express which is what I get every other night. Because apparently Mummy thinks that’s funny.”