Pub training new staff on a Saturday night

A PUB landlord has decided the best time to show new staff members the ropes is the busiest night of the week.

Norman Steele, owner of Mansfield pub The Traveller’s Rest, confirmed that he would blood inexperienced bar staff by throwing them in at the deep end to deal with the maximum number of exhausted, irritated patrons possible.

Steele said: “My crack team of new recruits have no previous bar experience. Some of them are even too young to legally serve alcoholic drinks without supervision.

“What are they going to learn on a Tuesday night? Nothing, except that they can take their time and customers will notice being short-changed. It has to be Saturday.

“I haven’t bothered changing the kegs, so look forward to watching them explain to half-cut gangs of lads that there’s no Fosters at 10pm. Learning the hard way.

“You might say it’s bad for business, but if they can survive this then they can survive anything. I only wish England was playing in a World Cup final to raise the stakes even further.”

Customer Tom Logan said: “Whatever. It’s still better than Wetherspoons.”

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Inconsiderate prick brings children to London

A PAIR of selfish pricks have brought their children to central London, ruining it for everyone. 

Martin and Emily Bishop brought their offspring to the capital so they could show them ‘some culture’, meaning more than eight million people have had to put their lives on hold while bloody kids run around.

Francesca Johnson of Fulham said: “It’s just selfish. Why couldn’t they take them somewhere child-friendly, instead of imposing on us?

“London’s clearly not safe for kids. Officially, yes, they’re allowed and nobody’s actually said anything, but there’s a trail of tuts and dirty looks from Regent’s Park to Lambeth.

“They’re in our art galleries with their joyfully naive remarks, they’re on our Tube spoiling our heads-down misery, they’re stopping us swearing and discussing what drugs we’re taking this weekend on our very streets.

“Come on. Take them to Nottingham or Cardiff or somewhere suitable, where serious adult people aren’t doing serious adult things that shouldn’t be interrupted. Jesus.”

Eight-year-old Jack Bishop said: “I didn’t like London. It’s noisy and dirty and there’s nothing to do. I don’t know why grown-ups like places like that.”